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What the hell am I going to do with my life?

It’s so easy to tell relatives that I am currently studying stuff on my own so SOMEDAY I will be able to get a job doing what I want to do based on my abilities. But what do I WANT to do? Sure I love making web-pages, but I get distracted easily, and like I said earlier, I am not genius with design… I am sure there are thousands of people better suited for it. Do I want to become a Perl Programmer? Gah, I can’t even imagine that… I am such a beginner with Perl, anything moderately complicated loses me. I know almost nothing about networking (though I AM learning) and I wouldnt even know where to begin being a systems administrator, I still need Myk’s help every time I turn around with Debian. I can’t go a day without looking a bunch of things up on google that are probably obvious to most Linux users.. and… ugh *sigh* I just feel so stupid sometimes, I don’t have any idea where I am going.

I am not sure if anyone realizes what it’s like to be unemployed and not in school, but you know how while you are in school/work you wish you had more free time? And you think of all the hundreds of things you’d do with that spare time if you didnt have a job… Well in reality, when you are unemployed and not in school you (as in me, and countless examples of friends I have) lose all drive to do anything after a few months and just get into a slump of sleeping late, chatting and wasting a lot of time doing pointless things, while important or difficult things get shelved for “later” … I hate this %(

I’m not looking for a job. I wouldn’t even know where to begin! My resume as it is is pure crap, and if I went out today to get a job I probably couldnt get much better than a silly job at a temp service like I had up in in New York… it’s really quite depressing. I guess part of it is my terrible tendency to take jobs that are far below my abilities, so while I might be able to get a challenging job, I dont strive for it. And at the moment I really don’t need a job, and getting one would be very difficult since I don’t have a car…

I just feel so lost, I have no idea what I want to do. Sometimes I just feel like I want to become a stereotypical “housewife” … but is that because I want to or because that is the easy way out? Would I really be happy working on projects on the computer at home while raising a family and baking cookies? Or am I just dragging my feet? Is it even socially acceptable for a woman to be a housewife these days? Is there something wrong if an intelligent woman like myself chooses to forgo a career for such a lifestyle? I do terrible under stress, and at the end of the day I really am a pretty girly girl, maybe I’m not cut out for the dog eat dog world of carving a place for myself in the world with a traditional career. I just don’t know.

So when the question of going to college arises I really don’t know what I want to do. I know I will have to pay quite a bit to go, and I don’t know how much I’d get out of it, but maybe that is what I need to motivate me… But then when I get out, what if I really didnt learn as much as I wanted an I am stuck in a crappy job, wasting time paying off a huge debt? Ugh %( It’s not really depressing me, it’s just all frustrating. I need to find some project or something to motivate me, I need to do SOMETHING to do more than pass the weeks and months, I’m truly ashamed of myself sometimes.

Bleh, things suck, do things get easier when you get older? %D Probably not, I’m sure the problems just change. Yay for pessimism!

This entry was posted on Monday, November 4th, 2002 at 4:04 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

One Comment

  • DragonsFire
    Monday, Nov 4th, 2002 at 18:29

    It’s hard to know what to do. My advice is to go with your gut, I guess, but don’t take the “easy way” out. (my gut always tells me to take the easy way out)
    I’ll give you a scenario.
    1. In high school, a young guy, let’s call him Bob, was a pothead and had no real ambition. After high school, Bob gets his shit together and goes to a community college. After community college, Bob (who has no familial financial support) transfers to a very prestigious and hard to get into University in southern California. He gets his financial aid and takes out $30,000 worth in loans and spends the next 3 years getting his BS in Biochemistry, only to graduate and realize the degree means nothing without working experience in the lab. Bob, now 24, currently has no career in the field he studied for 3 years in college, his car is broken and irreplacable without at least $3000, and he’s basically living paycheck to paycheck in one of the most expensive cities in the country to live in working a blue collar job.

    Basically, going to college can be a double edged sword. In some industries, especially competitive ones, while you have to have the degree to get the job, you can’t get the job without working experience. It’s easy to be lazy and just sit around.. you and I are very similar in that aspect, as I fall into the same patterns when I’m on a break from school. I’m 22 and have never had a real job. I go to a tough school, and it’s slowly breaking me down and making me work for what I want. Sometimes you just have to force yourself.. lest you get lazy and end up like Bob, who didn’t try his best, only got a 2.5 GPA, and didn’t work in the field while he was in school.

    Anyway, what I’m trying to say in this long ass blog is basically that if you do decide to go to school, make it count. Don’t waste your money and your time. Be prepared to give it 110%. I wasn’t and I almost blew it. Fortunately, “Bob” came into my life and showed me what would happen if I stayed on my lazy and contented path.

    Problems never go away, and pessimism is an unfortunate way to look at the world. All the pessimists I know are always miserable, and while my life is no piece of cake, I am content for the most part in not-so-great situations because I look at things from a more objective and optimistic perspective.
    Thanks for coming by and subbing. We seem to be alike, that much I can tell from just this one blog of yours.. and I’d like to give you advice and friendship if you need it.