I’ve been learning about and observing Jewish traditions for over a decade, but I haven’t converted. When asked about religious affiliation I give a vague “my family is Jewish” and leave it at that.
Why?
I’m still an atheist.
Back in 2012 when this journey was quite new I wrote about this: Joining a synagogue.
For everything except the question of a deity, I’ve gone quite far down the path to Judaism. My first stop was doing an Introduction to Judaism class before we got married by a rabbi. I’ve since read several books to expand my knowledge about Judaism. I did docent training at the synagogue we belonged to in San Francisco to learn all about the history of that temple and its place in the Reform movement. Today our children are being raised Jewish, we observe all the major Jewish holidays, and some of the minor ones that we found a connection to (Tu B’Shvat is coming up!). We observe Shabbat weekly, don’t eat pork, and have joined our local synagogue here in the east bay where they will start religious school soon. I’ve also started dabbling in learning Hebrew. In spite of not being much of a cook, I learned how to make challah, latkes, and hamantaschen. It turns out that I’ve always had a fondness for several Jewish food staples. When I travel, I visit Jewish landmarks and museums, like the synagogue I visited in Mumbai or searching for the menorah at Fonthill Castle. When my life was more conducive to it, I would spend part of Shabbat reading Torah, and a few years ago I followed along to reach every weekly Torah portion.
Most importantly, I’ve embraced the teachings and living a Jewish life for myself. I enjoy pausing to reflect during the holidays. I appreciate that rituals. I found that my own drive to fight injustice and teach others have always been quite aligned with Judaism. I enjoy studying and asking questions. It’s all very important to me.
But I’m a very literal and analytical person. While rituals and lessons from Torah can help guide and shape my life because I recognize wisdom and appreciate cycles, I don’t have belief in their literal truth, or a deity.
When I was having infrequent meetings with our rabbi in San Francisco, he loaned me the book For Those Who Can’t Believe: Overcoming the Obstacles to Faith, which became part of our permanent collection when he passed away before I could see him again. It didn’t get me where I need to be though. I’ve spent years since continuing to learn and live as a Jewish family, but deep down worrying that this would be what always prevents me from converting.
Now that we’ve joined a synagogue again and plan on going more with the boys, I want to revisit this. Is there a path here for me? Or is my role in our family and community something different?
The menorah we searched for, and found, on a ceiling in a hallway at Fonthill Castle