o/` Bach – Brandenburg Concerto No. 2 in F Major o/`

How many cents off a gallon of gas is a human life worth? Next year will you sleep well every night despite every mile you drive on your cheap gas being paid for by the blood of our fellow countrymen? Of course you will, because you think this war will be about “terrorism” you think this war is because we “might be attacked.” Have you honestly thought out these scenarios? Do you care?

I am such a hippie.

I talked to my sister Annette today, apparently she is being held back in the 8th grade… I’m not terribly surprised, just disappointed. I guess they are giving her a chance to go to summer school and stuff to try to make it up and proceed to high school with her class, but she doesn’t care and said that she’d rather stay back. I asked her if she’d try harder this time, her response was “nah” … *sigh* oh well, there is really nothing I can do about it.

We were going to try to have some people over this weekend to watch children of dune… but like so many of our plans, these were rather short notice, so no one can make it *sigh* I am however going to go out with Nita and her sister to an outlet mall on monday. I’m not a big shopping fan, and I don’t have any money, but it’ll be good to get out of the apartment for a while.

So this linuxchix mailing list is really great.. there is one mailing list of theirs I signed up for recently called “grrltalk” and I’m really glad I did. See the number of female friends I have is very very low, and of those that I can talk to when I am really stressed out? Well, I dunno one or two maybe? And they are not *very* close friends, so it’s hard… why this lack of female friends? I dunno, I think it basically comes down to not sharing enough interests *shrugs* … But, I do share their feelings! There was this thread on the grrltalk mailing list about dealing with stress and when it gets you down, it was quite interesting, and made me feel much better that the feelings I have when stressed out are universal… I mean most guys I talk to when I am stressed laugh at me and it feels like I’m crazy! But I now realize that the reactions I have are normal, yay!

Something has been bugging me lately, and it has to do with people, surprise suprise! … I complain about people too much, but this bugs me. These people who continue to try to teach me obvious things about computers. Now I do love to be helped when I ask for it, I appreciate when people answer my questions, and I do enjoy helping when i can… but some of these people just go on and on, as if I don’t understand the fundamental elements of computers. Even when I tell them I understand, are they just trying to show off their computer knowledge and using telling me as an excuse? It bothers me because it makes me feel like they think I’m stupid, it makes me look stupid because people come into the channel and see that someone is explaining this to “me” … I dunno, I should just avoid these people %)

So I hate “reply” … it never works the way I want it to! I am fairly new to mailing lists, and in mutt I try to be careful because when you hit r to reply (g for group reply works a little better, but its not perfect) it trys to send the message directly to the person instead of the list. I have only made this mistake twice, and people have done it to me too while replying, so I dont feel so stupid I guess… But yesterday Myk forwareded me a message from a list that he and some of his friends are on (private list) from a friend of is. I read the mail, and hit reply to send an email back to this friend and guess what? Yep, reply sent it to the private list. FUCK! Luckily it needed to go to the moderator for approval, so I msg’ed the moderator and told him to ignore it… he said it was fine but it still made me look stupid! Ugh… hopefully this will teach me to pay attention to the “To:” field!

Now what was this email about? A web design and host
ing job. Woo! This small company doesnt want to spend a lot, but they believe having their own company website will boost sales. So I sent our friend my information, apparently i’m the only person who replied to his list message, so he said he’d give the company (who is owned by his friend) my information, along with info for some web design/hosting companies, but he said he’d try to push them in my direction since he’s really not sure how much they are looking to spend, and there is no doubt I would be cheaper than a web company. So we’ll see, I am trying not to get too excited about it, but with the money I’d make from this, I might be able to pay for a hosting place for both the company website *AND* my own! That would be so great. Plus I’d have a company website under my belt to put on my resume! Woo! … ah shouldnt get too excited… (%

So I had a bit of an arguement with a couple of the other ops on psiblade last night. I am just glad I was around to catch what happened… see apparently someone flooded off the server the other night in what could have easily been a text flood or something (it only happened once). But one of the ircops decides to ask the guy who did the flood what happened. So he came into the guys room (which is a secret room, but since we are ircops we can see it) and asked him to explain what the flood was. Well of course, as anyone who owns a room and is confronted with someone asking such a question he says “who are you?” … now instead of the ircop saying “I am an ircop, just checking it…” he says “i’m me” … the owner of the room proceeded to kick him. Wouldnt you? Possibly not, but on psiblade we allow people to kick ops, and he didnt even know this was an op! Well, the room owner added the op to a shitlist or something, so the op would auto rejoin, and be kicked, several times. So what does this ircop do? Unregisters the channel! The admin for mst3k then got involved, and AGREEING with this ircop, he unregistered the room AGAIN and took it over. This is when I was messaged by the room owner to tell me what was going on, I looked in #opers and asked what the fuck was going on. The other ircops claimed they were in the right because the room owner didnt “ask politely” for them to leave. I called them Nazis. Luckily a fellow ircop came to my aid and agreed with me. Of course, who wants to be on a server where the ops are that controlling? I don’t. Luckily I was able to talk the room owner into coming back and not talking shit about us all over a bunch of networks. *Sigh* … I wish the other ircops would just realize how much work I do to promote psiblade, not everyone joining the network will be a shining example of humanity, but if we want our network to grow we need to tolerate a bit of it, this person caused no trouble and was being put down by ircops! That is unacceptable.

Anyway, it’s about noon, I am going to go find something to work on *wanders off*

o/` Everclear – Song From An American Movie Part 1 o/`

Erm, Everclear… yeah, it’s sorta nostalgic.

I made hard boiled eggs today. I had never done it before, so to find out how to do it I search on google. End result? One cracked, on broke and spit some yucky egg yoke out into the pot, and one had the yoke almost touching the outside edge of the egg… but they were easy to peel! I’d say it was a success %) Woo! Hehehe… Maybe next time I should pay more attention to them, like roll them around to make sure the yokes stay in the middle of the egg. I am so bad at cooking.

Anyway, we finally watched our copy of Children Of Dune last night, woo! It was better than the first. Then we went to the chat with Alec Newman on scifi… it was cool, short tho. Naru_Chan was there at the chat too… and there was some crazy chick who owned an Alec Newman domain, creepy stalker! Hehehehe. Anyway, today I spend almost an hour taking screenshots of the various characters in the movie… yeah I searched like 5 hours of movies for these, heh… So enjoy them dammit! (Excuse that they are displayed in an icky directory, I dont have the time right now to do otherwise)

Children Of Dune Pictures

So I might be creating a webpage for a leasing company! A friend of ours is putting me into contact with a company that needs a website and doesnt want to spend a lot on it *shrugs* i’ll see what I can do, he’s going to give them my name and we’ll see.

Bleh… I need to get some stuff done now *wanders off*

o/` Better Than Ezra – The Killer Inside o/`

Rule number 7 of the #13thHour rules states:

Do not talk about killing yourself. If you are seriously suicidal you need a therapist, not strangers on IRC.

Now, this room only has 8 rules, why do we feel like this is important to be in there along with a ban of mp3 scripts and and fighting? Because it is equally as annoying. The rule was established back when we were on Scifi, see there were lots of girls who loved to get attention by going to rooms when they were depressed and cry about wanting to kill themselves… it works, generally when they do this they get 4545 private messages asking if they are ok. Well to be honest, this sort of behavior gets old. I completely understand that people get very depressed, sure I have had thoughts about suicide, and OF COURSE I go to my friends when I have this sort of trouble, but I don’t go into IRC and cause a scene. I don’t care if you come into the room and private message me to talk, that’s perfectly fine, I *want* people to do that, but coming in, and interrupting a conversation for this sort of attention is unacceptable. And so, when people do this we are cruel, we laugh at their complaints about suicide, sometimes say “wow your life does suck, you should kill youerself” … because 999 out of 1000 times the person is just looking for attention, and doesnt have it in them to actually go through with something like this. I realize that we may lose people because of this harsh opinion towards this kind of discussion, but we want to keep a happy (although often sarcastic) mood to the room, we come there to have fun, to talk to our friends.

Why do I bring this up? Because although I want my friends from journal sites to visit me in IRC, I want them to read and abide by the rules. If they don’t then they will be kicked, or more often hated, by my fellow room members. The rules were established and are enforced by all of us for a reason, if you break them you offend people… and then of course my fellow room members say “who was that idiot?” and I have to come out and tell them that *I* was the one who invited them to the room. You know who you are.

Moving on… I spent quite a bit of time playing with keybindings more yesterday. The borderless keybinding thing is impossible so I gave up %) But I am able to expand windows to their full size by pressing alt m … YAY! I dont use my mouse much for anything but surfing the web now, hehe, it’s so nice not to be dependant on it anymore %) I also made my file.menu and user_apps.menu more up to date, and a bit more customized (Click here for screenshot of new menus), and a friend of mine who I was helping navigate through all of enlightenment menus found out a way to get icons out of the Debian Menus! See, i have “menu” installed, which is a debian program that automatically puts every new installed program from apt into the “Debian Menus” it’s really nice, but when it puts it in the menu it often puts an icon next to it… now if you look at my little screenshot, I use icons in my menus, but those are 15×15 pixels, the ones in the debian menus were often 32×32! They looked awful! Small text next to a huge unneeded icon. I didn’t really use the debian menus since everything i needed was in my user_apps.menu, but it was cool to learn how to make the menus prettier. How do you do that?

as root open /etc/menu-methods/menu.h
now go down a little to where it tells you about icons showing up in the menu, uncomment the first two lines, and comment the last
save and exit
run the update-menus command

So simple! So now my debian menus are pretty and annoying icon free, woo! %)

Um, I guess that’s it for now, things are a bit stressful here, but they will get better I’m sure… *wanders off*

o/` Mediaeval Baebes – The Snake o/`

“House cafeterias will be serving fries with a side order of patriotism Tuesday with a decision by GOP lawmakers to replace the “French” cuisine with “freedom fries.””

Haha! That’s funny *laughing* where did you get that article? The Onion? What? You’re serious? This is true? *weeps*

Besides the fact that the fries are named for the style in which they are cut and not that they are from france (they are from belgium), this is so childish! Not to mention intolerant, since when did we treat our ALLIES with such indignity because we don’t agree with them? During WW2 patriot cabbage, or victory cabbage, was the name for sauerkraut, but Germany was our enemy! And this was laughed at later as a clear case of propaganda. I am so ashamed of my country right now.

I am however, more upset at my family at the moment %) I messaged my sister Heather (PurpleDragon11) yesterday to see how she was doing:

-PrincessLeia2- Hey sis, how’s it going?

-PurpleDragon11- good

-PrincessLeia2- good %)

-PurpleDragon11- Oh, dad is mad at you for spending the money granddad sent you on a new car instead of coming to visit like you were supposed to

-PrincessLeia2- What? We didn’t, the money is sitting in the drawer next to me

-PurpleDragon11- Oh

-PrincessLeia2- I wish you people wouldnt jump to fucking conclusions

-PurpleDragon11- Well you said you spent savings on getting a new car

-PrincessLeia2- That was not THIS savings, that was savings we had particularly for that purpose! Besides, granddad DID NOT say this money was for a trip up to Maine, this was with “no strings attached” and he said if I needed money to visit that I could ask for it

Now understand, the check my grandfather sent me was only for $500. It was really nice of my grandfater, and I appreciate it, but not exactly a gold mine. The down payment for the new car was twice this, we pay over twice this a month in rent! What kind of reality is my father living in? This isn’t 1980. Without even getting into the fact that he is a fucking failure in alcoholic rehab that I am sick of defending and shouldnt be judging me in the first place… doesnt he realize that this sort of critism and nagging only makes me want to visit LESS? What will I get when I finally get up to Maine? More lectures and messages of disapproval? I don’t need that. And doesn’t he realize that I’m an adult now? I can’t just grab some cash and drive 600 miles when I feel like it! We have responsibilities here, I remember growing up that we didnt get to go on vacation much, we saw family in other states only once every couple of years, the only reason I saw my grandparents yearly was because they were retired and could drive up and visit. I moved away from home for good over three years ago, and have my parents even made the slighest effort to visit me? No. Have I visited them once? YES! Last April. I saw my mother and sisters the year after I moved away from home because they came to New York to visit family, but I still had to drive an hour to get to the family she was staying with! While my presence in New York was no doubt one of the reasons she visited, she made no attempt to visit me at my home. But has my father done even this much? No. He had a responsibility to my sister to keep the house he was living in, and thus working sometimes two jobs, so why does he not seem to understand the responsibility of being an adult? Is it just an issue of still seeing me as a child? Is it an issue of him having trouble letting go?

Besides, if he was so concerned about how I was spending my money, why not confront me about it? Why complain to my younger sister? It’s the same game my parents played when I was younger, complain to everyone in the family EXCEPT the person you have the problem with. I understand that it’s hard to confront someone with concerns, everyone is guilty of being non-confrontational, everyone is guilty of holding a grudge and just letting it fester because they don’t feel comf
ortable with a confrontation. But in all cases it just makes it worse, not only am I upset because he feels the need to judge me YET AGAIN, but he brings my sister into it because he is too cowardly to tell me himself. After all the times growing up that I defended and stood by him, why does he treat me like this now? Does he not realize the sacrifices I made growing up for him? Does he just not fucking care? I know he wants to see me, I want to see my family too, but he is just driving me away now. All plans to visit are officially put on hold.

I also learned the other day that my father didn’t even call Annette on her birthday, he is basically not even a part of her life anymore. I don’t care what his excuse is this time, there is NO excuse for not having contact with your daughter on her birthday, not even the week of her birthday! He left her no message on the answering machine, no card, not a written note saying happy birthday (even I got that)… Unfortunately from what my mother said Annette was sad, but not surprised by my father’s lack of contact, and she was just glad that she heard from Heather and I.

Ok, I will stop complaining about my father now.

So I spent 4 hours yesterday afternoon trying to write a keybinding the “borderless” window option in enlightenment. Unsuccessfully. I can do almost anything else! Apparently the “Window Operations Menu” (alt rightclick in E, how you get your windows to do cool things, like go borderless) is defined in /usr/share/enlightenment/config/menus.cfg This is the only reference I found to the defining of the WINOPS_MENU. And what does the section about “Set Border Style” say?

BEGIN_NEW_BORDERS_MENU(“WINOPS_BORDERS”, “EMPTY”)
END_MENU

That’s it. Nothing in the menu. But there IS! Now in ~/.enlightenment/themes/darkone/borders/borderless.cfg there is a definition of what borderless should mean

__BORDER __BGN
__NAME BORDERLESS
__BORDER_SIZE_LEFT 0
__BORDER_SIZE_RIGHT 0
__BORDER_SIZE_TOP 0
__BORDER_SIZE_BOTTOM 0
__END

So maybe, automagically, enlightenment has the WINOPS_MENU look to the theme for the configuation of what borderless means? I honestly don’t know. But you figure, hey, I can just put the “__BORDER_SIZE_TOP 0” info into the ~/.enlightenment/keybindings.cfg file, right? So I try that.

__NEXT_ACTION
__KEY t
__MODIFIER_KEY __ALT
__EVENT __KEY_PRESS
__ACTION __BORDER_SIZE_TOP 0

So now when I press alt t with a window focused it should make the top border disappear right? Just like when I hit alt m and it maximizes a window. Nope! Segmentation Fault, Enlightenment crashes. I tried dozens of things, even calling the borderless.cfg file by name. I can do anything with keybindings but the things in the Set Border Style menu! Maybe it’s an enlightenment bug that makes it segfault? Maybe I was just going about it all wrong? When Myk came home yesterday afternoon I told him of my ordeal, he laughed and said he had a similar experience, and he felt better knowing that I ran into the same troubles in the same places. I googled for this, but found nothing on the problem, apparently Myk even went into #enlightenment on freenode but they were unhelpful *shrugs* Looking back it seems like a funny thing to spend an entire afternoon working on but linux is all about customization! The way of linux is being able to do whatever you want even when you press the limits. I hate being stumped.

Hmm, so MorganHorse‘s comment yesterday about the “geek analyzation” being like a Discovery Channel documentary got me thinking… You know, I could easily expand that to a website, including pictures, and stories from other geeks, little “sections” of encounters that other people have had with fellow geeks, it could be an awsome mockumentary of unix geek culture! I’d need help tho, obviously my view as a female geek does not encompass all of unix geekdom, nor do I believe I could define each big group of geeks myself. Any voluteers? This could be really fun…

I guess t
hat’s it for now, I will find something to do today, it’s supposed to be fairly warm (50s) so I think I’ll go take a walk this afternoon %) Of course tomorrow there is a weather advisory for snow and sleet, yay the winter that wouldnt end! %) *wanders off*

o/` Jimmy Eat World – No Sensitivity o/`

First of all, I have to show off my pretty new screenshot: Screenshot 03.10.03., I switched back to the DarkOne theme (I was using base) that I used back when I had redhat… I missed it %) I also have a pretty new matrixesque background. I used cmatrix -C white in a borderless wterm, took a screenshot, then with gimp I made it really light, saved it as a png, and now it’s an awsome background! And now I can have all my wterms transparent %) My only wish is that I had a bigger monitor, this resolution just isnt good enough!

I am much happier today, I started feeling a bit happier yesterday afternoon because I decided to take control of my emotions and snap out of this depression, it worked %) I had a really nice evening last night, and even got a good (well decent, it’s all relative) night sleep last night! We didnt end up getting out to CompUSA yesterday afternoon, but that’s ok, we’ll prolly head out there today.

So I have some awsome news… a friend of ours in #goddess recently aquired a screening copy of SciFi’s “Children Of Dune”, he ripped it and is now sending it to us! It’s like 5 huge files, but the quality is amazing (it gets black and white in some places, but I believe that is just the quirkyness of the screening copy version). We watched the first 1/5th of it last night, AMAZING! This one might even be better than the first. Unfortunately they changed the actor who played Duncan.. and the one that played Stilgar *sigh* Oh well %) I am so excited because I get to see it before it is actually released! Besides… I don’t have scifi, and I am having a friend tape it for me, so I’d see it even *later* than most people will get to. Currently the movies are inaccessable to me (in a directory on minute that I can’t see) so I can’t take screenshots right now, but I will tomorrow %) Don’t worry, I’ll just give links to the pictures so I don’t spoil it for anyone. YAY DUNE!

So there are several advantages to being a female linux user. I discovered a new one today, or rather realized that it was an advantage and that there was a certain pattern to it. See, it’s very simple for me to discover whether people are REAL unix people, or just newbies… and I discover this without meaning to, they volunteer all the information I need to know this. And it’s always the same, the interaction so predictable I can write the steps:

1. Introduction, somehow my interests in computers comes out (whether through a profile, or just a casual question about my interests)

2. Their use of unix is somehow introduced, usually by some comment made to look like it’s a natural thing to say (I admit doing this too I’m afraid, but I try not to… today this “casual comment” was amazingly stupid, this guy said “excuse my typo’s im on a unix box” … I’m not joking, I wouldnt make up something so unbelievable %)).
3. Despite my intentional, placed, remarks about having a boyfriend they continue to try to impress me, and assume I use windows

4. I tell them I use unix, debian linux… and ask them about their flavor of unix and how they like it

5. Not missing a beat they pipe up and tell me, usually giving away several key points about how experienced and “geeky” they really are. What are a few things I look for? Certain combinations of what distro they use, what text editor, what window manager, their irc client and the words they use to describe certain things, alone these things mean nothing (I know really smart people who still insist on using pico *giggles*), but certain combinations lead to mostly accurate conclusions about experience.

6. The probing wordplay of each other’s knowledge continues to a point where one of us admits we don’t understand the complexity of something. Usually the guy has a hard
er time admitting this “defeat” but they surprise me sometimes %)

Now, comes the most important stage of the conversation, if I am the one who breaks first with my lack of knowledge the friendship almost always stays intact, and most of the time we can spend time swapping help with each other. If the opposite is true, and the guy quits first, he will often leave, saying he has something to do… sometimes the relationship ends, or becomes a stupid charade of the guy coming back from time to time to brag about some advance they have made, but never again having the time to get into a “battle of knowledge.” Luckily these are rare cases, unless the person is a cocky asshole *g* they will hang around and realize that it’s cool for a chick to know about unix, and a friendship develops that includes a lot of helping each other. That’s what I ultimately hope for from these conversations, I want to develop friendships with people who share my interests, I want to help people, and I love having a group of people I can go to when I have trouble without feeling like a complete idiot.

Now encountering a fellow female linux user is sometimes much more brutal. As I am sure I have mentioned before, there is this common breed of female geeks who are very territorial. Being a female geek is cool and unique, you do get a lot of attention… so here I show up, and threaten to take that specialty away! Oh no! While me, and the awsome members at linuxchix.org, are willing to help, and band together as women, these other female geeks are just cruel. Once it is established that you both use unix step #6 is immediate and ruthless, the friendship never is created because that is never her intention, it is always to discredit you, if discrediting is impossible the conversation turns into a geekiness test, games you play, how good your website is, etc etc. It’s horrible %( I wish these women wouldnt be like this. Most often I just back off before it gets too far, even if friendship were possible it’s not worth it, and the brutality of the discussion can only end in one person being humiliated, and that’s really ashame.

I must say again, I NEVER start these cycles, they just happen, I don’t TRY to outwit someone, I dont brag about the knowledge I have, and I have never been a compeditive person, and if someone knows more than me I am eager to learn from them. I have been using linux exclusively for a year now and by no means do I believe myself to be an expert! I assume the same compeditiveness is in most fields of interest, and cocky assholes and ruthless bitches are common in them all… but it really is sad, these are the people who make fields look bad, they are the ones who are exemplified by critics.

Don’t get me wrong, most people I meet through the unix community are really awsome, there are just some that *bug* me. Ok, my generic and generliazed analyzation of unix geeks is done now %)

I am going to go mess around with php for a bit I think *wanders off*

o/` U2 – Pride o/`

Everything sucks.

Ok, it doesnt, I’m just in a bad mood. Food still tastes like nothing, last night was another crappy night’s sleep, and I’m starting to go crazy because of this lack of sleep. I am over reacting to everything. I HATE myself like this.

The fucking weekend sucked. It felt like every time I turned around I had done another STUPID thing to piss off/annoy someone… And now i don’t even know if I actually bothered people as much as I think, or if I was just over reacting… and I’m really not in the frame of mind to ask them right now.

And last night, just when I thought I might be able to relax… I was sitting on my bed, snuggled in blankets reading the last few pages of Children Of Dune and drinking some hot chocolate… then guess what? I had a bloody nose. The night just went downhill from there.

My mother called this morning, she had great news… my sister (who just turned 14) is now dating a 20 year old guy who has 22 piercings. My mother said he is a nice guy, apparently she met him while picking him up at the police station, he was busted for tresspassing with a bunch of his friends, and he needed to be picked up because he doesnt have a license. Bleh. Men make us Krumbach girls lose our brains. I wonder if my other sister’s boyfriend has followed up on that warrent “mistakenly” out for his arrest.

So I think my “altered state” problem right now is partially because I gave up. I’d been *fighting* this depression, and then I just stopped, I let it completely consume me… I didn’t feel like doing something? I didnt do it. I saw that some sort of cheering myself up didnt work, I quit it. I think it’s epsecially important to keep busy, so I don’t allow my mind time to dwell on “things that suck” and what a loser I think I am while in this mindset.

So to make an effort to do this, I finished the journal for princessleia.com. The content will be identical to this, I am going back all the way to the beginning of the xanga journal (early june) and putting ALL the entries into the database.. this will take a long time, I’ve done about 10 so far %) I worked out that I’d just make an “Archive” of each month, instead of doing a “previous # entries” thing *shrugs* I basically embarked on this project so I could have a local backup of all my journal entries, since I’d be really upset if something happened to all my stuff elsewhere, since I dont pay for any of the journaling I do %) And it’s nice to have content to build a pretty site around… it’s pretty basic, but I do like it. *hoards the URL til the archives are complete*

I called CompUSA this morning, I guess they are hiring, I’ll go pick up an application this afternoon when Myk gets home… I need to talk to him realistically about what hours I can work (so Myk can bring me to work). Shouldnt be too much of a problem, I mean I only intend on a part time position.

Yeah, so I need to go work on stuff now *wanders off*

o/` Nine Inch Nails – The Day The World Went Away o/`

Loss of appetite, loss of interest in things I love to do, increased sleeping problems, overuse of sarcasm, getting upset over silly little things. Yes, depression. I have been dealing with depression for years, over the past year and a half I have been doing very good at controlling it. No medication, just more positive thinking, less sarcasm… really doing everything in my power to cheer myself up, look at my situation and realize that things are really great. Usually it works, sometimes I can write it off to it being “that time of the month” … other times it is genuine sadness brought on by unhappy circumstances.

So two weeks ago when I found out I needed to go in for some testing reguarding a recent irregular test result, I got a bit down. For about 3 days I was dwelling on what this might mean for me, I was scared, but eventually I just backed off it, so it is honestly the furthest thing from my mind right now. But I was still depressed, I attributed it to PMS, ’cause I sometimes get depressed from that… 4 days later, still depressed, I figured it was because of “that time of the month” and I was feeling physically crappy. It’s been over for 5 days, and I am still depressed. I’ve tried everything I always try, because since wednesday I have had trouble sleeping. Friday I started losing my appetite. Yesterday I got a fairly bad headache and ended up breaking down crying for almost an hour. I hate burdening Myk with this, he has so much to worry about, without coming home from work to me, who he completely supports, and find that I am all depressed. Bleh.

I have said before that I dont want to be on anti-depressants, they make you feel fake, so before I decide to go down that road I think I will try a more healthy approach, the *one* thing I havent tried yet… getting a job. Part-time, probably at CompUSA (Myk said it wouldnt be a problem leaving work to drop me off their when my shift starts), maybe Barnes and Noble? I am going to look around a bit if there are any “real” jobs close to here, but I don’t hold out much hope. I think I just need more contact with people, I think I am getting lonely… maybe part of my problem is that I feel somehow worthless because I am not contributing to our finances. It would be nice to have “my own money” anyway. And a part time job isnt a lot of commitment, besides, employee discounts! It may not be a good job, and it might suck, but it might help me… besides, it would be *something* computer related to put on my resume.

Moving along, I must agree with Naru_Chan when he says “queen of the damned sucked.” I watched it last night with Myk while we were eating dinner (pizza and wings, yay!). The movie opened with Lestat waking up after a long “sleep” and joining a rock band. Oh God. I have never read the Anne Rice book (not terribly interested in doingso) so I guess I didn’t know what to expect, and it takes A LOT to impress me in a vampire movie anyway, but this movie was just terrible! I thought this female “librarian” (as she was referred to by lestat) might be redeeming, she read lestat’s diary and was “touched” by what was in it, so you figure she’s an intelligent woman who realizes the trials and hardships of being a vampire, and sympathizes with lestat, right? Nope, she turns out to be just another stupid chick who wants to be a vampire! Ugh. At least Lestat killed lots of stupid goth girls, he might be able to get a federal grant for that service to humanity %) The movie was fun to joke about, and I guess, despite how much it sucked, I am glad I saw it, and doubly glad I didn’t pay to see it!

I have been trying to work on that php journal thing, but I just havent felt like it, I get frustrated and it’s like hitting a brick wall, and I can’t bring myself to get past my problems, it really sucks, stupid depression! I think it’s because I am so tired too, I just can’t focus. I went to bed around 1 last night, woke up at 6:30, then 7, then 7
:30, then 8.. finally got up at 8:30 when I realized that I would bother Myk with moving around so much if I didnt, and I wasn’t going to get anymore decent sleep. So what’s that? About 5 1/2 hours of sleep? I am exhausted, I just want to sleep. I guess that’s an interesting characteristic about this current onset of depression, usually I am tired and hungry, it’s quite the opposite this time. *shrugs*

So we were surfing channels last night… I don’t like tv much, and there isnt ever anything on, but it gives us something to “do” while snuggling, not that I’d get bored, but accidentally taking a nap would do nothing to help my sleeping issues. So we stumbled onto a show about Tourette’s Syndrome. It’s most commonly associated with people randomly swearing, but that is not just that. The ‘tics’ can be a vast assortment of things, and it’s really a terrible disorder. My friend Andy (from Seneca Falls) had it… man, I hadn’t thought of him in over a year! He was a really nice guy, and his mother was one of the sweetest women I’ve ever met, and she really liked me… probably because I was a good friend to Andy, and I never thought less of him because of his problem, it just never phased me. Andy was cool, but obviously his disorder caused him troubles, socially and work-wise, I think he ended up getting a job at wal mart or something *shrugs* … definately one of those people I wish I never lost contact with *sigh*

Ah, so the same person who sent me Queen of the Damned is sending me Lilo and Stitch, woo! Yay piracy! Yay DCC! Hehe, I love Lilo and Stitch, I am sure I’ll get around to buying the DVD eventually, but I want to see the movie now! Hehe.

So I was thinking recently what a nice relationship Myk and I have. Looking back to my last one, I realized that a big part of my relationship with my ex included competition. He accused me of causing this, but I highly doubt that, since I am a very non-competitive person. Instead of supporting me and praising my acomplishments, he’d try to belittle them and surpass. When he couldnt surpass my achievements he’d find other things he knew he could do better than I, and “show off” … I was always supportive. I remember this one time he was playing some flash game or something, and he *finally* beat it, and told me to try, I beat it in my second try… he was furious! Anyway, the relationship I have with Myk is so much better, definately a more healthy one! He’s always been supportive of me, we never compete. Instead it’s always learning from each, always encourage each other, always congradulate each other. And I don’t take this for granted… I have learned and grown SO much in all my interests because I have this support from someone who truly understand and cares about my acomplishments. I love Myk so much %)

On that note I think I am going to go mess around with this PHP script a bit, hope my exhaustion wont interfere too much with my success %) *wanders off*

o/` UN Iraqi Weapons Inspections Report o/`

Ok, so it’s not music, but it’s what I am listening to %)

Speaking of which, I listened to President Bush’s address last night, it was like the Two-Minutes Hate (1984), only it was 50 minutes long. The only emotions Bush showed were amusement and hatred. He avoided questions that I most wanted answers to

-reporter- what do you think about people who think this war will increase hostility toward america?

-bush- i want to protect our country like i was sworn to do

Eh? *sigh* It was 50 minutes of BS… I guess I expected that tho. The part that really struck me was when the President said that he felt that we needed to take action and he said “and many people in my government agree with me” … come again!? Whose government is it? That kind of comment is precisely the kind of thing we’d pick out of some dictator’s speech to prove that their country’s government is not “for the people.” Ok, it might have been a slip-up on his part, but it was offensive.

Enough about that %)

So I was in Windows last night to play Homeworld, I suck at that game, hehehe. But while I was in windows I mentioned how one of the bigger things I miss in windows that I have in linux is wget. I couldn’t live without wget now that I have tasted the love of it ;) That’s when Myk said that there is a win32 version of wget, awsome! It made me happy %)

I watched Blade for the first time last night, actually, I missed the first hour, but it was a pretty crappy movie so I don’t mind, hehe. Anyway, Blade had tattoos. In this movie vampirism is a genetic disease, the blood cant sustain the body, so the person requires blood of others (this doesn’t explain the teeth thing, oh well) some people, like Blade, are born as a vampire. Like with most vampires, these ones can regenerate to a point, wounds heal overnight if they are not too bad. So how, could Blade have tattoos if he was always a vampire with intense regenerative powers? When you are tattooed ink is pressed into the skin with needles, I believe the slow healing process is what keeps the ink inside your skin. How could the ink be inside you long enough if you regenerate wounds in a matter of hours? I thought about this a lot, and I figure that the only way this could be achieved is putting something un-regeneratably dangerous into the ink of the tattoo, say sprinkling some garlic or holy water into the ink, just the right amount to slow the healing process to a more human speed without doing any permanent damage. I’d imagine this would take a lot of trial and error tho, I wouldnt want anyone sprinkling bad stuff on me to see how much will hurt! So I honestly dont think the creators of the movie thought of this %) I analyzed this too much.

This weekend is probably going to be pretty typical. I really want to finish reading Children of Dune now that I’m into it I just can’t find enough time to read it! After I think I am going to start reading Orson Scott Card’s Homecoming series again, and then start on the second book in the Ender’s Game series (Speaker For The Dead). Exciting huh? Hehe…

A friend of mine is DCC’ing me “Queen of the Damned” … I can’t imagine it’s a very good movie %) but I guess I’d like to see it *shrugs* and he’s perfectly willing to send. He brought it up when I mentioned Blade. The send should be finished in about 10 hours, hehehe.

Ummm lets see… Ah, I was messing around with a birthday script for r2d2 yesterday. The problem still seems to be making the script repeat every 24 hours. All the searches I’ve done about doing this in perl say “use cron!” which of course I cannot do because it is a script that works within irssi. The “timers” that people have written in perl all include the sleep function, which I can’t use in irssi because it puts the whole program to sleep and never wakes up, yes, a wonderful way to crash irssi folks! Anyway, I think I might be able to figure out a way to use the “Day Changed to…” message within irssi, of course to test this I will need to mess ar
ound with my system time, doh! I wish I had another computer I could mess with…

I worked on the design for my princessleia.com journal a bit more yesterday, it’s coming along nicely, hopefully by the end of next week I’ll have it in good enough working condition to move to the webserver and use %) The remaining PHP shouldn’t be too difficult, we’ll see.

Um, I guess that’s it for now, it’s getting late in the day and I havent done enough %( I would really hate myself if I got no work done today, so … *wanders off*

o/` Depeche Mode – Shake The Disease o/`

Slept horribly again last night… ugh.

I finished going through my mp3s yesterday afternoon

Final Mp3 Count: 1751 (See List)

Final Ogg Count: 176 (See List)

Yeah, not too many oggs, we just started making them a few months ago *shrugs*

I keep tasting butter in my sandwich, that’s strange, maybe it’s the bread that tastes butterish, it’s a chicken and mayo sandwich, I can’t think of any other explaination.

Ah, so I was minding my own business this morning in a chat room (actually we were making fun of BSD user wannabes) and this guy who I thought was a friend private messages me:

-$guy- hey you around ?
-pleia2- yeah, what’s up?
-$guy- uh, I’m not sure exactly how to say this, but I thought I should be upfront
-pleia2- um, ok, just say what you mean
-$guy- I know you are dating someone but I can’t help feeling attracted to you
-pleia2- heh
-$guy- I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you …
-pleia2- i’m not upset, i just don’t know what to say
-$guy- I just wanted to be upfront with you, I don’t expect you to do anything about it really
-pleia2- good, because i really do love Time %)
-pleia2- i don’t want to be mean, i mean you are a good friend but…
-$guy- no, it’s cool, I understand completely
-pleia2- so i just have a question
-$guy- ok
-pleia2- there are a bunch of *single* girls who come in here and flirt insanely, and i don’t flirt at all, in fact, I talk about Time quite a bit, why me?
-$guy- maybe that’s part of the reason for the attraction :) seem you completely devoted to your boyfriend, those other girls don’t interest me because they are flirty, they are like that with everyone, and it messes with us
-pleia2- *sigh* you do realize by being attracted to someone for these reasons puts you in quite a corner? i mean, you respect these characteristics, but if a woman actually left her boyfriend for you, then she wouldn’t be what you thought she was
-$guy- yeah, I know, in reality I probably wouldnt be attracted to you anymore if you left your boyfriend for me
* pleia2 shakes her head
-$guy- crazy huh?

And men think women are confusing! Anyway, the point of this? Just to ask a question of the guys out there, did I handle this properly? This isn’t normal rejection, this guy was admitting an attraction me while he knew full well that I was deeply involved with someone… Is there any way I could have made this better for him? I hate hurting people, it’s not fair for them to put me in this position! Plus the awkward complication this places on our friendship, bleh…

So Myk mentioned today that I should morph my birthday email script into something that’d change the topic in #13thHour automatically for #13thHour Members’ birthdays. Hmm, not a bad idea! I will have to figure out how to get irssi r2d2 to execute the script once a day to query the database… this will be fun %) I’ll also have to add a column to the database so it knows only to change the topic for #13thHour members, not everyone in the database. *scemes* Yeah, this got me thinking, I need to go work on it %) *runs off*