o/` Jimmy Eat World – No Sensitivity o/`

First of all, I have to show off my pretty new screenshot: Screenshot 03.10.03., I switched back to the DarkOne theme (I was using base) that I used back when I had redhat… I missed it %) I also have a pretty new matrixesque background. I used cmatrix -C white in a borderless wterm, took a screenshot, then with gimp I made it really light, saved it as a png, and now it’s an awsome background! And now I can have all my wterms transparent %) My only wish is that I had a bigger monitor, this resolution just isnt good enough!

I am much happier today, I started feeling a bit happier yesterday afternoon because I decided to take control of my emotions and snap out of this depression, it worked %) I had a really nice evening last night, and even got a good (well decent, it’s all relative) night sleep last night! We didnt end up getting out to CompUSA yesterday afternoon, but that’s ok, we’ll prolly head out there today.

So I have some awsome news… a friend of ours in #goddess recently aquired a screening copy of SciFi’s “Children Of Dune”, he ripped it and is now sending it to us! It’s like 5 huge files, but the quality is amazing (it gets black and white in some places, but I believe that is just the quirkyness of the screening copy version). We watched the first 1/5th of it last night, AMAZING! This one might even be better than the first. Unfortunately they changed the actor who played Duncan.. and the one that played Stilgar *sigh* Oh well %) I am so excited because I get to see it before it is actually released! Besides… I don’t have scifi, and I am having a friend tape it for me, so I’d see it even *later* than most people will get to. Currently the movies are inaccessable to me (in a directory on minute that I can’t see) so I can’t take screenshots right now, but I will tomorrow %) Don’t worry, I’ll just give links to the pictures so I don’t spoil it for anyone. YAY DUNE!

So there are several advantages to being a female linux user. I discovered a new one today, or rather realized that it was an advantage and that there was a certain pattern to it. See, it’s very simple for me to discover whether people are REAL unix people, or just newbies… and I discover this without meaning to, they volunteer all the information I need to know this. And it’s always the same, the interaction so predictable I can write the steps:

1. Introduction, somehow my interests in computers comes out (whether through a profile, or just a casual question about my interests)

2. Their use of unix is somehow introduced, usually by some comment made to look like it’s a natural thing to say (I admit doing this too I’m afraid, but I try not to… today this “casual comment” was amazingly stupid, this guy said “excuse my typo’s im on a unix box” … I’m not joking, I wouldnt make up something so unbelievable %)).
3. Despite my intentional, placed, remarks about having a boyfriend they continue to try to impress me, and assume I use windows

4. I tell them I use unix, debian linux… and ask them about their flavor of unix and how they like it

5. Not missing a beat they pipe up and tell me, usually giving away several key points about how experienced and “geeky” they really are. What are a few things I look for? Certain combinations of what distro they use, what text editor, what window manager, their irc client and the words they use to describe certain things, alone these things mean nothing (I know really smart people who still insist on using pico *giggles*), but certain combinations lead to mostly accurate conclusions about experience.

6. The probing wordplay of each other’s knowledge continues to a point where one of us admits we don’t understand the complexity of something. Usually the guy has a hard
er time admitting this “defeat” but they surprise me sometimes %)

Now, comes the most important stage of the conversation, if I am the one who breaks first with my lack of knowledge the friendship almost always stays intact, and most of the time we can spend time swapping help with each other. If the opposite is true, and the guy quits first, he will often leave, saying he has something to do… sometimes the relationship ends, or becomes a stupid charade of the guy coming back from time to time to brag about some advance they have made, but never again having the time to get into a “battle of knowledge.” Luckily these are rare cases, unless the person is a cocky asshole *g* they will hang around and realize that it’s cool for a chick to know about unix, and a friendship develops that includes a lot of helping each other. That’s what I ultimately hope for from these conversations, I want to develop friendships with people who share my interests, I want to help people, and I love having a group of people I can go to when I have trouble without feeling like a complete idiot.

Now encountering a fellow female linux user is sometimes much more brutal. As I am sure I have mentioned before, there is this common breed of female geeks who are very territorial. Being a female geek is cool and unique, you do get a lot of attention… so here I show up, and threaten to take that specialty away! Oh no! While me, and the awsome members at linuxchix.org, are willing to help, and band together as women, these other female geeks are just cruel. Once it is established that you both use unix step #6 is immediate and ruthless, the friendship never is created because that is never her intention, it is always to discredit you, if discrediting is impossible the conversation turns into a geekiness test, games you play, how good your website is, etc etc. It’s horrible %( I wish these women wouldnt be like this. Most often I just back off before it gets too far, even if friendship were possible it’s not worth it, and the brutality of the discussion can only end in one person being humiliated, and that’s really ashame.

I must say again, I NEVER start these cycles, they just happen, I don’t TRY to outwit someone, I dont brag about the knowledge I have, and I have never been a compeditive person, and if someone knows more than me I am eager to learn from them. I have been using linux exclusively for a year now and by no means do I believe myself to be an expert! I assume the same compeditiveness is in most fields of interest, and cocky assholes and ruthless bitches are common in them all… but it really is sad, these are the people who make fields look bad, they are the ones who are exemplified by critics.

Don’t get me wrong, most people I meet through the unix community are really awsome, there are just some that *bug* me. Ok, my generic and generliazed analyzation of unix geeks is done now %)

I am going to go mess around with php for a bit I think *wanders off*

o/` U2 – Pride o/`

Everything sucks.

Ok, it doesnt, I’m just in a bad mood. Food still tastes like nothing, last night was another crappy night’s sleep, and I’m starting to go crazy because of this lack of sleep. I am over reacting to everything. I HATE myself like this.

The fucking weekend sucked. It felt like every time I turned around I had done another STUPID thing to piss off/annoy someone… And now i don’t even know if I actually bothered people as much as I think, or if I was just over reacting… and I’m really not in the frame of mind to ask them right now.

And last night, just when I thought I might be able to relax… I was sitting on my bed, snuggled in blankets reading the last few pages of Children Of Dune and drinking some hot chocolate… then guess what? I had a bloody nose. The night just went downhill from there.

My mother called this morning, she had great news… my sister (who just turned 14) is now dating a 20 year old guy who has 22 piercings. My mother said he is a nice guy, apparently she met him while picking him up at the police station, he was busted for tresspassing with a bunch of his friends, and he needed to be picked up because he doesnt have a license. Bleh. Men make us Krumbach girls lose our brains. I wonder if my other sister’s boyfriend has followed up on that warrent “mistakenly” out for his arrest.

So I think my “altered state” problem right now is partially because I gave up. I’d been *fighting* this depression, and then I just stopped, I let it completely consume me… I didn’t feel like doing something? I didnt do it. I saw that some sort of cheering myself up didnt work, I quit it. I think it’s epsecially important to keep busy, so I don’t allow my mind time to dwell on “things that suck” and what a loser I think I am while in this mindset.

So to make an effort to do this, I finished the journal for princessleia.com. The content will be identical to this, I am going back all the way to the beginning of the xanga journal (early june) and putting ALL the entries into the database.. this will take a long time, I’ve done about 10 so far %) I worked out that I’d just make an “Archive” of each month, instead of doing a “previous # entries” thing *shrugs* I basically embarked on this project so I could have a local backup of all my journal entries, since I’d be really upset if something happened to all my stuff elsewhere, since I dont pay for any of the journaling I do %) And it’s nice to have content to build a pretty site around… it’s pretty basic, but I do like it. *hoards the URL til the archives are complete*

I called CompUSA this morning, I guess they are hiring, I’ll go pick up an application this afternoon when Myk gets home… I need to talk to him realistically about what hours I can work (so Myk can bring me to work). Shouldnt be too much of a problem, I mean I only intend on a part time position.

Yeah, so I need to go work on stuff now *wanders off*

o/` Nine Inch Nails – The Day The World Went Away o/`

Loss of appetite, loss of interest in things I love to do, increased sleeping problems, overuse of sarcasm, getting upset over silly little things. Yes, depression. I have been dealing with depression for years, over the past year and a half I have been doing very good at controlling it. No medication, just more positive thinking, less sarcasm… really doing everything in my power to cheer myself up, look at my situation and realize that things are really great. Usually it works, sometimes I can write it off to it being “that time of the month” … other times it is genuine sadness brought on by unhappy circumstances.

So two weeks ago when I found out I needed to go in for some testing reguarding a recent irregular test result, I got a bit down. For about 3 days I was dwelling on what this might mean for me, I was scared, but eventually I just backed off it, so it is honestly the furthest thing from my mind right now. But I was still depressed, I attributed it to PMS, ’cause I sometimes get depressed from that… 4 days later, still depressed, I figured it was because of “that time of the month” and I was feeling physically crappy. It’s been over for 5 days, and I am still depressed. I’ve tried everything I always try, because since wednesday I have had trouble sleeping. Friday I started losing my appetite. Yesterday I got a fairly bad headache and ended up breaking down crying for almost an hour. I hate burdening Myk with this, he has so much to worry about, without coming home from work to me, who he completely supports, and find that I am all depressed. Bleh.

I have said before that I dont want to be on anti-depressants, they make you feel fake, so before I decide to go down that road I think I will try a more healthy approach, the *one* thing I havent tried yet… getting a job. Part-time, probably at CompUSA (Myk said it wouldnt be a problem leaving work to drop me off their when my shift starts), maybe Barnes and Noble? I am going to look around a bit if there are any “real” jobs close to here, but I don’t hold out much hope. I think I just need more contact with people, I think I am getting lonely… maybe part of my problem is that I feel somehow worthless because I am not contributing to our finances. It would be nice to have “my own money” anyway. And a part time job isnt a lot of commitment, besides, employee discounts! It may not be a good job, and it might suck, but it might help me… besides, it would be *something* computer related to put on my resume.

Moving along, I must agree with Naru_Chan when he says “queen of the damned sucked.” I watched it last night with Myk while we were eating dinner (pizza and wings, yay!). The movie opened with Lestat waking up after a long “sleep” and joining a rock band. Oh God. I have never read the Anne Rice book (not terribly interested in doingso) so I guess I didn’t know what to expect, and it takes A LOT to impress me in a vampire movie anyway, but this movie was just terrible! I thought this female “librarian” (as she was referred to by lestat) might be redeeming, she read lestat’s diary and was “touched” by what was in it, so you figure she’s an intelligent woman who realizes the trials and hardships of being a vampire, and sympathizes with lestat, right? Nope, she turns out to be just another stupid chick who wants to be a vampire! Ugh. At least Lestat killed lots of stupid goth girls, he might be able to get a federal grant for that service to humanity %) The movie was fun to joke about, and I guess, despite how much it sucked, I am glad I saw it, and doubly glad I didn’t pay to see it!

I have been trying to work on that php journal thing, but I just havent felt like it, I get frustrated and it’s like hitting a brick wall, and I can’t bring myself to get past my problems, it really sucks, stupid depression! I think it’s because I am so tired too, I just can’t focus. I went to bed around 1 last night, woke up at 6:30, then 7, then 7
:30, then 8.. finally got up at 8:30 when I realized that I would bother Myk with moving around so much if I didnt, and I wasn’t going to get anymore decent sleep. So what’s that? About 5 1/2 hours of sleep? I am exhausted, I just want to sleep. I guess that’s an interesting characteristic about this current onset of depression, usually I am tired and hungry, it’s quite the opposite this time. *shrugs*

So we were surfing channels last night… I don’t like tv much, and there isnt ever anything on, but it gives us something to “do” while snuggling, not that I’d get bored, but accidentally taking a nap would do nothing to help my sleeping issues. So we stumbled onto a show about Tourette’s Syndrome. It’s most commonly associated with people randomly swearing, but that is not just that. The ‘tics’ can be a vast assortment of things, and it’s really a terrible disorder. My friend Andy (from Seneca Falls) had it… man, I hadn’t thought of him in over a year! He was a really nice guy, and his mother was one of the sweetest women I’ve ever met, and she really liked me… probably because I was a good friend to Andy, and I never thought less of him because of his problem, it just never phased me. Andy was cool, but obviously his disorder caused him troubles, socially and work-wise, I think he ended up getting a job at wal mart or something *shrugs* … definately one of those people I wish I never lost contact with *sigh*

Ah, so the same person who sent me Queen of the Damned is sending me Lilo and Stitch, woo! Yay piracy! Yay DCC! Hehe, I love Lilo and Stitch, I am sure I’ll get around to buying the DVD eventually, but I want to see the movie now! Hehe.

So I was thinking recently what a nice relationship Myk and I have. Looking back to my last one, I realized that a big part of my relationship with my ex included competition. He accused me of causing this, but I highly doubt that, since I am a very non-competitive person. Instead of supporting me and praising my acomplishments, he’d try to belittle them and surpass. When he couldnt surpass my achievements he’d find other things he knew he could do better than I, and “show off” … I was always supportive. I remember this one time he was playing some flash game or something, and he *finally* beat it, and told me to try, I beat it in my second try… he was furious! Anyway, the relationship I have with Myk is so much better, definately a more healthy one! He’s always been supportive of me, we never compete. Instead it’s always learning from each, always encourage each other, always congradulate each other. And I don’t take this for granted… I have learned and grown SO much in all my interests because I have this support from someone who truly understand and cares about my acomplishments. I love Myk so much %)

On that note I think I am going to go mess around with this PHP script a bit, hope my exhaustion wont interfere too much with my success %) *wanders off*

o/` UN Iraqi Weapons Inspections Report o/`

Ok, so it’s not music, but it’s what I am listening to %)

Speaking of which, I listened to President Bush’s address last night, it was like the Two-Minutes Hate (1984), only it was 50 minutes long. The only emotions Bush showed were amusement and hatred. He avoided questions that I most wanted answers to

-reporter- what do you think about people who think this war will increase hostility toward america?

-bush- i want to protect our country like i was sworn to do

Eh? *sigh* It was 50 minutes of BS… I guess I expected that tho. The part that really struck me was when the President said that he felt that we needed to take action and he said “and many people in my government agree with me” … come again!? Whose government is it? That kind of comment is precisely the kind of thing we’d pick out of some dictator’s speech to prove that their country’s government is not “for the people.” Ok, it might have been a slip-up on his part, but it was offensive.

Enough about that %)

So I was in Windows last night to play Homeworld, I suck at that game, hehehe. But while I was in windows I mentioned how one of the bigger things I miss in windows that I have in linux is wget. I couldn’t live without wget now that I have tasted the love of it ;) That’s when Myk said that there is a win32 version of wget, awsome! It made me happy %)

I watched Blade for the first time last night, actually, I missed the first hour, but it was a pretty crappy movie so I don’t mind, hehe. Anyway, Blade had tattoos. In this movie vampirism is a genetic disease, the blood cant sustain the body, so the person requires blood of others (this doesn’t explain the teeth thing, oh well) some people, like Blade, are born as a vampire. Like with most vampires, these ones can regenerate to a point, wounds heal overnight if they are not too bad. So how, could Blade have tattoos if he was always a vampire with intense regenerative powers? When you are tattooed ink is pressed into the skin with needles, I believe the slow healing process is what keeps the ink inside your skin. How could the ink be inside you long enough if you regenerate wounds in a matter of hours? I thought about this a lot, and I figure that the only way this could be achieved is putting something un-regeneratably dangerous into the ink of the tattoo, say sprinkling some garlic or holy water into the ink, just the right amount to slow the healing process to a more human speed without doing any permanent damage. I’d imagine this would take a lot of trial and error tho, I wouldnt want anyone sprinkling bad stuff on me to see how much will hurt! So I honestly dont think the creators of the movie thought of this %) I analyzed this too much.

This weekend is probably going to be pretty typical. I really want to finish reading Children of Dune now that I’m into it I just can’t find enough time to read it! After I think I am going to start reading Orson Scott Card’s Homecoming series again, and then start on the second book in the Ender’s Game series (Speaker For The Dead). Exciting huh? Hehe…

A friend of mine is DCC’ing me “Queen of the Damned” … I can’t imagine it’s a very good movie %) but I guess I’d like to see it *shrugs* and he’s perfectly willing to send. He brought it up when I mentioned Blade. The send should be finished in about 10 hours, hehehe.

Ummm lets see… Ah, I was messing around with a birthday script for r2d2 yesterday. The problem still seems to be making the script repeat every 24 hours. All the searches I’ve done about doing this in perl say “use cron!” which of course I cannot do because it is a script that works within irssi. The “timers” that people have written in perl all include the sleep function, which I can’t use in irssi because it puts the whole program to sleep and never wakes up, yes, a wonderful way to crash irssi folks! Anyway, I think I might be able to figure out a way to use the “Day Changed to…” message within irssi, of course to test this I will need to mess ar
ound with my system time, doh! I wish I had another computer I could mess with…

I worked on the design for my princessleia.com journal a bit more yesterday, it’s coming along nicely, hopefully by the end of next week I’ll have it in good enough working condition to move to the webserver and use %) The remaining PHP shouldn’t be too difficult, we’ll see.

Um, I guess that’s it for now, it’s getting late in the day and I havent done enough %( I would really hate myself if I got no work done today, so … *wanders off*

o/` Depeche Mode – Shake The Disease o/`

Slept horribly again last night… ugh.

I finished going through my mp3s yesterday afternoon

Final Mp3 Count: 1751 (See List)

Final Ogg Count: 176 (See List)

Yeah, not too many oggs, we just started making them a few months ago *shrugs*

I keep tasting butter in my sandwich, that’s strange, maybe it’s the bread that tastes butterish, it’s a chicken and mayo sandwich, I can’t think of any other explaination.

Ah, so I was minding my own business this morning in a chat room (actually we were making fun of BSD user wannabes) and this guy who I thought was a friend private messages me:

-$guy- hey you around ?
-pleia2- yeah, what’s up?
-$guy- uh, I’m not sure exactly how to say this, but I thought I should be upfront
-pleia2- um, ok, just say what you mean
-$guy- I know you are dating someone but I can’t help feeling attracted to you
-pleia2- heh
-$guy- I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you …
-pleia2- i’m not upset, i just don’t know what to say
-$guy- I just wanted to be upfront with you, I don’t expect you to do anything about it really
-pleia2- good, because i really do love Time %)
-pleia2- i don’t want to be mean, i mean you are a good friend but…
-$guy- no, it’s cool, I understand completely
-pleia2- so i just have a question
-$guy- ok
-pleia2- there are a bunch of *single* girls who come in here and flirt insanely, and i don’t flirt at all, in fact, I talk about Time quite a bit, why me?
-$guy- maybe that’s part of the reason for the attraction :) seem you completely devoted to your boyfriend, those other girls don’t interest me because they are flirty, they are like that with everyone, and it messes with us
-pleia2- *sigh* you do realize by being attracted to someone for these reasons puts you in quite a corner? i mean, you respect these characteristics, but if a woman actually left her boyfriend for you, then she wouldn’t be what you thought she was
-$guy- yeah, I know, in reality I probably wouldnt be attracted to you anymore if you left your boyfriend for me
* pleia2 shakes her head
-$guy- crazy huh?

And men think women are confusing! Anyway, the point of this? Just to ask a question of the guys out there, did I handle this properly? This isn’t normal rejection, this guy was admitting an attraction me while he knew full well that I was deeply involved with someone… Is there any way I could have made this better for him? I hate hurting people, it’s not fair for them to put me in this position! Plus the awkward complication this places on our friendship, bleh…

So Myk mentioned today that I should morph my birthday email script into something that’d change the topic in #13thHour automatically for #13thHour Members’ birthdays. Hmm, not a bad idea! I will have to figure out how to get irssi r2d2 to execute the script once a day to query the database… this will be fun %) I’ll also have to add a column to the database so it knows only to change the topic for #13thHour members, not everyone in the database. *scemes* Yeah, this got me thinking, I need to go work on it %) *runs off*

o/` Stabbing Westward – So Wrong o/`

Aphex Twin does the soundtrack for my nightmares. I realized that recently when I was sorta zoning out listening to some Aphex Twin, and all of a sudden I was pulled out of my daze by intense fear. “Girl-Boy Song” was playing and that’s when I made the connection, this is what my nightmares sound like! It’s interesting to realize things like this, I never really noticed that some of my dreams have music in them, and I guess since I am not a highly music-oriented person… I mean I love music, but I’d never consider myself very musical, or something. Unfortunately I am now reluctant to listen to Aphex Twin because it’ll scare me, hehehe. Naw, I love Aphex Twin, I just need to avoid zoning out while listening %D

So yesterday, ah, I offered to morph my mirc tutorial to be pretty and used for #Deep13’s Website. I just needed to edit some of the screenshots and change the tutorial to have it connecting to psiblade (I meant to do this anyway, currently the tutorial is for going to scifi, ahh!)… it’s something to do anyway. I was also playing with MySQL a bit yesterday, I discovered the “limit” option, ahh! It lets you get results back, with a numbered limit, it’s nice, and will help a lot with the journal page I am working on. Speaking of which, it looks like livejournal generates their pages with perl, GAH! As much as I am fond of perl, it is slow and I dont think it’s the best choice for web development %) Oh well, I am doing alright even without looking into perl optinos, php is being good to me.

I got into a mutt vs pine and vim vs gui text editor arguement this morning %) This kid was using pine (which I stopped using because of exploits, you’d need to wait til the developers issued a patch, and it’s closed source!) and he said it was much better than mutt. Heh, NO! I love mutt, and it’s so much better and much more customizable than pine. Oh, sorry, mutt and pine are console email clients. Now mutt takes a lot of getting used to, the navigation is a bit confusing, and it just takes time to learn, which I assume is why this kid didn’t want to use it. Plus he said it “loved vi too much” … I explained to him that it could use other text editors as a background, but he said it was still “vi-like” … apparently he doesnt like “pushing five butons just to type a word” Hmmm. This lead us to vim. Anyone who has learned to use vim, and has gotten good at it *knows* that it is faster and much more useful than any gui text editor ever *Looks at her poor abandoned mouse* But again, I think this kid’s problem was he didn’t want to take the time to learn to use vim, although he claimed to “know the commands, just doesnt want to push 5 keys to insert a word” Heh, vim is not that complicated! Besides, when you ssh to other boxes and do so much stuff without a gui, knowing how to efficiently use a console-based text editor is priceless knowledge %)

Ah, it’s March 4th, it’s my youngest sister’s birthday today. She’s 14. *Makes an ecard for her* … I would have sent her a gift or something, but at her age there is probably nothing I could get her that she’d enjoy today and next month, and there is no way I am buying her a music CD, that girl has awful taste in music! Hehe, I fear what she spent that $20 gift certificate to barnes and noble that I gave her for xmas on. I should probably call her tonight, but I never know when she is going to be home, she has more of a social life than I have ever had!

I think I was just bored with reading, that’s why I couldn’t get into Children Of Dune at first. But now I am seeing all these ads for the movie on scifi, and a friend of mine told me yesterday that she’d tape it for me (yay!), so I am getting all excited for it (Comes out March 16th)… it is making me want to read the book %) I want to finish the book before I see any of the trailers… Ok, so I watched one yesterday (partially because I am so in love with watching quicktime movies on mplayer, hehehe), and it looked good *is so excited*
Gosh I’m a geek %)

Eh, so I was trying to keep my home directory under 1 gig ’cause we do backups nightly… backups consist of tar’ing up certain directories i want to backup, sending them across the lan to minute (it has 100 gig drive) and saving things there. Well sending over a gig over the lan is not good %) Takes a while… but dammit, I have a 40 gig harddrive! I hate feeling like I have to limit myself, maybe I should create a directory outside of /home/lyz that I dont want backed up (for temp downloads, etc). Hmmm….

I realized yesterday how lonely I’m becoming. Lonely you ask? Of course I have Myk, and we spend more time together than most couples I think, I mean he really does keep up with my needs for companionship, but I can’t help feeling at a loss since I don’t have many “real life” friends. I have Nita, but I barely see her once a month, and I guess Ed is my friend, and we chat online a bunch, but I havent actually seen him in months. And yesterday Nita was planning (in the channel i chat in with real life people) to hang out with a friend to do “girl things” and stuff, and I couldn’t help but feel a little jealous, JEALOUS! I hate that part of me, but it made me realize how much I miss social contact. Even the contact I got from just going to work. Myk is the only person I see on a daily basis, the only person I interact with regularly in reality. And I feel so bad for Nita, because there is no doubt that I talk her ear off each time we spend time together, just because I am so starved for socializing. The weirdest thing about this is I am *very* shy, and NEVER considered myself very social, I thought I could hide in a cave and become a hermit. Maybe this need for socializing is only because I see other people getting together and having fun and I want part of that? I dunno, I SO look forward to any social meetings of people, even PLUG! We havent been to a plug meeting in a long time, there is one tomorrow night “lightning round presentations” … small presentations from like 6 people, and it actually looks interesting, I hope we can go. Anyway, yes, lonely, I need social interaction! I have been chatting in IRC more often to compensate for this loss of real contact. But it’s just not the same, I want to go to a club, I want to go to the movies, I want to grab some food with people! *sigh*

Well I guess I am going go get working on this little mirc tutorial so I can zip it up and send it to who I need to for the site. *wanders off*

o/` Peter Murphy – My Last Two Weeks o/`

Hmm, about the depressing medical stuff I’ve been writing lately. I am honestly not too terribly concerned, it just helps to get my thoughts and speculations written down somewhere *shrugs*

I drank last night. But it wasn’t because I was depressed, I actually had a decent day yesterday. I’ve been reading Children Of Dune, but for some reason I am having trouble getting into it… maybe it’s because I read 5 books in the course of 2 weeks and I am just tired of reading? Maybe it’s the book itself? I’m not sure, I really enjoyed and flew through Dune and Dune Messiah. Anyway, I got sorta bored and saw that Myk was going through some boxes of stuff he had. He used to be really into music, so car stereos, normal stereos, all sorts of things like that were really important to him, and so he has *boxes* of stuff. He was trying to go through it and organize everything into all the proper boxes. So I decided to help. It cured my problem of being bored and make things more organized, yay! Myk showed me all sorts of things I never even knew existed, it was fun %) I even got a couple of my boxes down and put my computer stuff with his, I had all sorts of cables, even an old hub, floating around in my boxes, hehe. This entire project took a couple hours, afterwards we had dinner. Decided to have a couple beers with dinner… After dinner we went to play on our computers, Myk has been working with Sound Forge a bit, and I chatted some (what else can you do on the computer when intoxicated? Hehe *hides the root passwords*). Then we decided to go watch some TV… had a snack of cheese and crackers, mmm cheese. I guess I ended up going to sleep around 12.

But I did discover last night that I should get a hobby that I can do while drinking, hehe. Cant read when I drink, cant use the computer all the time while I am drinking, I’d like to relax by the fireplace and do *something* so I don’t fall asleep… instead of watching tv.

Ummm, today I will probably just read a bunch. We need to head out to the store to pick up some milk, bread, mayo, and chocolate *giggles* the important stuff! I should go make some.. *looks at the time* “breakfast” *wanders off*

o/` Peter Murphy – Seven Veils o/`

Polycystic Ovary Syndrome runs in my mother’s side of the family, it’s genetic. What is it? Apparently it’s male sex hormone overproduction in the body that causes problems (as you probably know, both men and women contain male and female sex hormones…). This possibly leads to less production of the female hormones, and those that make the ovaries function properly (as well as other symptoms like more body hair and greater sex drive). The end result of this? Infertility and if pregnancy is achieved, increased chance of miscarriage. My Aunt Mary Ellen was told she couldnt have children, but she had my cousin steve… the doctors told her not to try again however, as it might endanger her life. My Aunt Pam had a series of miscarriages, but managed to have two healthy daughters, unfortunately she was forced to have a hysterectomy about 2 years ago (at the age of 45). My Aunt Elaine has had this, never taken medication, and was able to have a healthy son, my cousin Chet, and has never had a miscarriage, currently she is not concerned about having more children so she honestly doesn’t know if she can or not, but she makes sure to get in to see her gynocologist every year to make sure things are ok. My mother is the only one of the sisters who has never had any problems, she had me and my two sisters, never miscarried.

What does this mean for me? This problem is found through irregular pap results. There i a very high chance that this could be my problem. Well at least it’s not life-threatening! And although there are reproduction problems, there are also medications, treatments to make it so women with this problem can have children. Of course this could also mean nothing, irregular paps are quite common, and not all women with PCOS have reproductive problems. I guess knowing that there is a problem that runs in the family makes me a bit more comfortable, I know there are problems, I know they are treatable. It makes me a bit less depressed than I was %) I am not as worried.

Enough of that health junk! I didn’t end up drinking at all last night. I realized as the afternoon progressed yesterday, that I really would be drinking because I was depressed, and I want to avoid getting into that sort of cycle, it’s not healthy. We had a decent night tho, Myk spent lots of time cheering me up, he’s so good at getting me into a better mood! We watched some tv, even tho it was sorta boring, ended up watching part of Volcano, and I brought a couple stuffed animals onto the bed to play our “Crow and Servo” (mst3k) so we could riff on the movie. That didn’t last long tho, the movie was just too bad, and there were too many commericials. I ended up reading for a bit.. went to bed around 11ish. I don’t think I slept well, I had a headache most of the night %\

So this weekend… um, I dont think we are doing anything (big surprise). I am kinda starting to feel bored staying home all the time… I dunno, I need more hobbies, spending all my time on the computer isnt good, and I can’t read for hours and hours without starting to get restless. I’ll figure something out…

Anyway, I am going to go see if there is anything to do, I should to find some breakfast too… *wanders off*