o/` Nine Inch Nails – The Day The World Went Away o/`

Loss of appetite, loss of interest in things I love to do, increased sleeping problems, overuse of sarcasm, getting upset over silly little things. Yes, depression. I have been dealing with depression for years, over the past year and a half I have been doing very good at controlling it. No medication, just more positive thinking, less sarcasm… really doing everything in my power to cheer myself up, look at my situation and realize that things are really great. Usually it works, sometimes I can write it off to it being “that time of the month” … other times it is genuine sadness brought on by unhappy circumstances.

So two weeks ago when I found out I needed to go in for some testing reguarding a recent irregular test result, I got a bit down. For about 3 days I was dwelling on what this might mean for me, I was scared, but eventually I just backed off it, so it is honestly the furthest thing from my mind right now. But I was still depressed, I attributed it to PMS, ’cause I sometimes get depressed from that… 4 days later, still depressed, I figured it was because of “that time of the month” and I was feeling physically crappy. It’s been over for 5 days, and I am still depressed. I’ve tried everything I always try, because since wednesday I have had trouble sleeping. Friday I started losing my appetite. Yesterday I got a fairly bad headache and ended up breaking down crying for almost an hour. I hate burdening Myk with this, he has so much to worry about, without coming home from work to me, who he completely supports, and find that I am all depressed. Bleh.

I have said before that I dont want to be on anti-depressants, they make you feel fake, so before I decide to go down that road I think I will try a more healthy approach, the *one* thing I havent tried yet… getting a job. Part-time, probably at CompUSA (Myk said it wouldnt be a problem leaving work to drop me off their when my shift starts), maybe Barnes and Noble? I am going to look around a bit if there are any “real” jobs close to here, but I don’t hold out much hope. I think I just need more contact with people, I think I am getting lonely… maybe part of my problem is that I feel somehow worthless because I am not contributing to our finances. It would be nice to have “my own money” anyway. And a part time job isnt a lot of commitment, besides, employee discounts! It may not be a good job, and it might suck, but it might help me… besides, it would be *something* computer related to put on my resume.

Moving along, I must agree with Naru_Chan when he says “queen of the damned sucked.” I watched it last night with Myk while we were eating dinner (pizza and wings, yay!). The movie opened with Lestat waking up after a long “sleep” and joining a rock band. Oh God. I have never read the Anne Rice book (not terribly interested in doingso) so I guess I didn’t know what to expect, and it takes A LOT to impress me in a vampire movie anyway, but this movie was just terrible! I thought this female “librarian” (as she was referred to by lestat) might be redeeming, she read lestat’s diary and was “touched” by what was in it, so you figure she’s an intelligent woman who realizes the trials and hardships of being a vampire, and sympathizes with lestat, right? Nope, she turns out to be just another stupid chick who wants to be a vampire! Ugh. At least Lestat killed lots of stupid goth girls, he might be able to get a federal grant for that service to humanity %) The movie was fun to joke about, and I guess, despite how much it sucked, I am glad I saw it, and doubly glad I didn’t pay to see it!

I have been trying to work on that php journal thing, but I just havent felt like it, I get frustrated and it’s like hitting a brick wall, and I can’t bring myself to get past my problems, it really sucks, stupid depression! I think it’s because I am so tired too, I just can’t focus. I went to bed around 1 last night, woke up at 6:30, then 7, then 7
:30, then 8.. finally got up at 8:30 when I realized that I would bother Myk with moving around so much if I didnt, and I wasn’t going to get anymore decent sleep. So what’s that? About 5 1/2 hours of sleep? I am exhausted, I just want to sleep. I guess that’s an interesting characteristic about this current onset of depression, usually I am tired and hungry, it’s quite the opposite this time. *shrugs*

So we were surfing channels last night… I don’t like tv much, and there isnt ever anything on, but it gives us something to “do” while snuggling, not that I’d get bored, but accidentally taking a nap would do nothing to help my sleeping issues. So we stumbled onto a show about Tourette’s Syndrome. It’s most commonly associated with people randomly swearing, but that is not just that. The ‘tics’ can be a vast assortment of things, and it’s really a terrible disorder. My friend Andy (from Seneca Falls) had it… man, I hadn’t thought of him in over a year! He was a really nice guy, and his mother was one of the sweetest women I’ve ever met, and she really liked me… probably because I was a good friend to Andy, and I never thought less of him because of his problem, it just never phased me. Andy was cool, but obviously his disorder caused him troubles, socially and work-wise, I think he ended up getting a job at wal mart or something *shrugs* … definately one of those people I wish I never lost contact with *sigh*

Ah, so the same person who sent me Queen of the Damned is sending me Lilo and Stitch, woo! Yay piracy! Yay DCC! Hehe, I love Lilo and Stitch, I am sure I’ll get around to buying the DVD eventually, but I want to see the movie now! Hehe.

So I was thinking recently what a nice relationship Myk and I have. Looking back to my last one, I realized that a big part of my relationship with my ex included competition. He accused me of causing this, but I highly doubt that, since I am a very non-competitive person. Instead of supporting me and praising my acomplishments, he’d try to belittle them and surpass. When he couldnt surpass my achievements he’d find other things he knew he could do better than I, and “show off” … I was always supportive. I remember this one time he was playing some flash game or something, and he *finally* beat it, and told me to try, I beat it in my second try… he was furious! Anyway, the relationship I have with Myk is so much better, definately a more healthy one! He’s always been supportive of me, we never compete. Instead it’s always learning from each, always encourage each other, always congradulate each other. And I don’t take this for granted… I have learned and grown SO much in all my interests because I have this support from someone who truly understand and cares about my acomplishments. I love Myk so much %)

On that note I think I am going to go mess around with this PHP script a bit, hope my exhaustion wont interfere too much with my success %) *wanders off*

o/` UN Iraqi Weapons Inspections Report o/`

Ok, so it’s not music, but it’s what I am listening to %)

Speaking of which, I listened to President Bush’s address last night, it was like the Two-Minutes Hate (1984), only it was 50 minutes long. The only emotions Bush showed were amusement and hatred. He avoided questions that I most wanted answers to

-reporter- what do you think about people who think this war will increase hostility toward america?

-bush- i want to protect our country like i was sworn to do

Eh? *sigh* It was 50 minutes of BS… I guess I expected that tho. The part that really struck me was when the President said that he felt that we needed to take action and he said “and many people in my government agree with me” … come again!? Whose government is it? That kind of comment is precisely the kind of thing we’d pick out of some dictator’s speech to prove that their country’s government is not “for the people.” Ok, it might have been a slip-up on his part, but it was offensive.

Enough about that %)

So I was in Windows last night to play Homeworld, I suck at that game, hehehe. But while I was in windows I mentioned how one of the bigger things I miss in windows that I have in linux is wget. I couldn’t live without wget now that I have tasted the love of it ;) That’s when Myk said that there is a win32 version of wget, awsome! It made me happy %)

I watched Blade for the first time last night, actually, I missed the first hour, but it was a pretty crappy movie so I don’t mind, hehe. Anyway, Blade had tattoos. In this movie vampirism is a genetic disease, the blood cant sustain the body, so the person requires blood of others (this doesn’t explain the teeth thing, oh well) some people, like Blade, are born as a vampire. Like with most vampires, these ones can regenerate to a point, wounds heal overnight if they are not too bad. So how, could Blade have tattoos if he was always a vampire with intense regenerative powers? When you are tattooed ink is pressed into the skin with needles, I believe the slow healing process is what keeps the ink inside your skin. How could the ink be inside you long enough if you regenerate wounds in a matter of hours? I thought about this a lot, and I figure that the only way this could be achieved is putting something un-regeneratably dangerous into the ink of the tattoo, say sprinkling some garlic or holy water into the ink, just the right amount to slow the healing process to a more human speed without doing any permanent damage. I’d imagine this would take a lot of trial and error tho, I wouldnt want anyone sprinkling bad stuff on me to see how much will hurt! So I honestly dont think the creators of the movie thought of this %) I analyzed this too much.

This weekend is probably going to be pretty typical. I really want to finish reading Children of Dune now that I’m into it I just can’t find enough time to read it! After I think I am going to start reading Orson Scott Card’s Homecoming series again, and then start on the second book in the Ender’s Game series (Speaker For The Dead). Exciting huh? Hehe…

A friend of mine is DCC’ing me “Queen of the Damned” … I can’t imagine it’s a very good movie %) but I guess I’d like to see it *shrugs* and he’s perfectly willing to send. He brought it up when I mentioned Blade. The send should be finished in about 10 hours, hehehe.

Ummm lets see… Ah, I was messing around with a birthday script for r2d2 yesterday. The problem still seems to be making the script repeat every 24 hours. All the searches I’ve done about doing this in perl say “use cron!” which of course I cannot do because it is a script that works within irssi. The “timers” that people have written in perl all include the sleep function, which I can’t use in irssi because it puts the whole program to sleep and never wakes up, yes, a wonderful way to crash irssi folks! Anyway, I think I might be able to figure out a way to use the “Day Changed to…” message within irssi, of course to test this I will need to mess ar
ound with my system time, doh! I wish I had another computer I could mess with…

I worked on the design for my princessleia.com journal a bit more yesterday, it’s coming along nicely, hopefully by the end of next week I’ll have it in good enough working condition to move to the webserver and use %) The remaining PHP shouldn’t be too difficult, we’ll see.

Um, I guess that’s it for now, it’s getting late in the day and I havent done enough %( I would really hate myself if I got no work done today, so … *wanders off*

o/` Depeche Mode – Shake The Disease o/`

Slept horribly again last night… ugh.

I finished going through my mp3s yesterday afternoon

Final Mp3 Count: 1751 (See List)

Final Ogg Count: 176 (See List)

Yeah, not too many oggs, we just started making them a few months ago *shrugs*

I keep tasting butter in my sandwich, that’s strange, maybe it’s the bread that tastes butterish, it’s a chicken and mayo sandwich, I can’t think of any other explaination.

Ah, so I was minding my own business this morning in a chat room (actually we were making fun of BSD user wannabes) and this guy who I thought was a friend private messages me:

-$guy- hey you around ?
-pleia2- yeah, what’s up?
-$guy- uh, I’m not sure exactly how to say this, but I thought I should be upfront
-pleia2- um, ok, just say what you mean
-$guy- I know you are dating someone but I can’t help feeling attracted to you
-pleia2- heh
-$guy- I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you …
-pleia2- i’m not upset, i just don’t know what to say
-$guy- I just wanted to be upfront with you, I don’t expect you to do anything about it really
-pleia2- good, because i really do love Time %)
-pleia2- i don’t want to be mean, i mean you are a good friend but…
-$guy- no, it’s cool, I understand completely
-pleia2- so i just have a question
-$guy- ok
-pleia2- there are a bunch of *single* girls who come in here and flirt insanely, and i don’t flirt at all, in fact, I talk about Time quite a bit, why me?
-$guy- maybe that’s part of the reason for the attraction :) seem you completely devoted to your boyfriend, those other girls don’t interest me because they are flirty, they are like that with everyone, and it messes with us
-pleia2- *sigh* you do realize by being attracted to someone for these reasons puts you in quite a corner? i mean, you respect these characteristics, but if a woman actually left her boyfriend for you, then she wouldn’t be what you thought she was
-$guy- yeah, I know, in reality I probably wouldnt be attracted to you anymore if you left your boyfriend for me
* pleia2 shakes her head
-$guy- crazy huh?

And men think women are confusing! Anyway, the point of this? Just to ask a question of the guys out there, did I handle this properly? This isn’t normal rejection, this guy was admitting an attraction me while he knew full well that I was deeply involved with someone… Is there any way I could have made this better for him? I hate hurting people, it’s not fair for them to put me in this position! Plus the awkward complication this places on our friendship, bleh…

So Myk mentioned today that I should morph my birthday email script into something that’d change the topic in #13thHour automatically for #13thHour Members’ birthdays. Hmm, not a bad idea! I will have to figure out how to get irssi r2d2 to execute the script once a day to query the database… this will be fun %) I’ll also have to add a column to the database so it knows only to change the topic for #13thHour members, not everyone in the database. *scemes* Yeah, this got me thinking, I need to go work on it %) *runs off*

o/` Stabbing Westward – So Wrong o/`

Aphex Twin does the soundtrack for my nightmares. I realized that recently when I was sorta zoning out listening to some Aphex Twin, and all of a sudden I was pulled out of my daze by intense fear. “Girl-Boy Song” was playing and that’s when I made the connection, this is what my nightmares sound like! It’s interesting to realize things like this, I never really noticed that some of my dreams have music in them, and I guess since I am not a highly music-oriented person… I mean I love music, but I’d never consider myself very musical, or something. Unfortunately I am now reluctant to listen to Aphex Twin because it’ll scare me, hehehe. Naw, I love Aphex Twin, I just need to avoid zoning out while listening %D

So yesterday, ah, I offered to morph my mirc tutorial to be pretty and used for #Deep13’s Website. I just needed to edit some of the screenshots and change the tutorial to have it connecting to psiblade (I meant to do this anyway, currently the tutorial is for going to scifi, ahh!)… it’s something to do anyway. I was also playing with MySQL a bit yesterday, I discovered the “limit” option, ahh! It lets you get results back, with a numbered limit, it’s nice, and will help a lot with the journal page I am working on. Speaking of which, it looks like livejournal generates their pages with perl, GAH! As much as I am fond of perl, it is slow and I dont think it’s the best choice for web development %) Oh well, I am doing alright even without looking into perl optinos, php is being good to me.

I got into a mutt vs pine and vim vs gui text editor arguement this morning %) This kid was using pine (which I stopped using because of exploits, you’d need to wait til the developers issued a patch, and it’s closed source!) and he said it was much better than mutt. Heh, NO! I love mutt, and it’s so much better and much more customizable than pine. Oh, sorry, mutt and pine are console email clients. Now mutt takes a lot of getting used to, the navigation is a bit confusing, and it just takes time to learn, which I assume is why this kid didn’t want to use it. Plus he said it “loved vi too much” … I explained to him that it could use other text editors as a background, but he said it was still “vi-like” … apparently he doesnt like “pushing five butons just to type a word” Hmmm. This lead us to vim. Anyone who has learned to use vim, and has gotten good at it *knows* that it is faster and much more useful than any gui text editor ever *Looks at her poor abandoned mouse* But again, I think this kid’s problem was he didn’t want to take the time to learn to use vim, although he claimed to “know the commands, just doesnt want to push 5 keys to insert a word” Heh, vim is not that complicated! Besides, when you ssh to other boxes and do so much stuff without a gui, knowing how to efficiently use a console-based text editor is priceless knowledge %)

Ah, it’s March 4th, it’s my youngest sister’s birthday today. She’s 14. *Makes an ecard for her* … I would have sent her a gift or something, but at her age there is probably nothing I could get her that she’d enjoy today and next month, and there is no way I am buying her a music CD, that girl has awful taste in music! Hehe, I fear what she spent that $20 gift certificate to barnes and noble that I gave her for xmas on. I should probably call her tonight, but I never know when she is going to be home, she has more of a social life than I have ever had!

I think I was just bored with reading, that’s why I couldn’t get into Children Of Dune at first. But now I am seeing all these ads for the movie on scifi, and a friend of mine told me yesterday that she’d tape it for me (yay!), so I am getting all excited for it (Comes out March 16th)… it is making me want to read the book %) I want to finish the book before I see any of the trailers… Ok, so I watched one yesterday (partially because I am so in love with watching quicktime movies on mplayer, hehehe), and it looked good *is so excited*
Gosh I’m a geek %)

Eh, so I was trying to keep my home directory under 1 gig ’cause we do backups nightly… backups consist of tar’ing up certain directories i want to backup, sending them across the lan to minute (it has 100 gig drive) and saving things there. Well sending over a gig over the lan is not good %) Takes a while… but dammit, I have a 40 gig harddrive! I hate feeling like I have to limit myself, maybe I should create a directory outside of /home/lyz that I dont want backed up (for temp downloads, etc). Hmmm….

I realized yesterday how lonely I’m becoming. Lonely you ask? Of course I have Myk, and we spend more time together than most couples I think, I mean he really does keep up with my needs for companionship, but I can’t help feeling at a loss since I don’t have many “real life” friends. I have Nita, but I barely see her once a month, and I guess Ed is my friend, and we chat online a bunch, but I havent actually seen him in months. And yesterday Nita was planning (in the channel i chat in with real life people) to hang out with a friend to do “girl things” and stuff, and I couldn’t help but feel a little jealous, JEALOUS! I hate that part of me, but it made me realize how much I miss social contact. Even the contact I got from just going to work. Myk is the only person I see on a daily basis, the only person I interact with regularly in reality. And I feel so bad for Nita, because there is no doubt that I talk her ear off each time we spend time together, just because I am so starved for socializing. The weirdest thing about this is I am *very* shy, and NEVER considered myself very social, I thought I could hide in a cave and become a hermit. Maybe this need for socializing is only because I see other people getting together and having fun and I want part of that? I dunno, I SO look forward to any social meetings of people, even PLUG! We havent been to a plug meeting in a long time, there is one tomorrow night “lightning round presentations” … small presentations from like 6 people, and it actually looks interesting, I hope we can go. Anyway, yes, lonely, I need social interaction! I have been chatting in IRC more often to compensate for this loss of real contact. But it’s just not the same, I want to go to a club, I want to go to the movies, I want to grab some food with people! *sigh*

Well I guess I am going go get working on this little mirc tutorial so I can zip it up and send it to who I need to for the site. *wanders off*

o/` Peter Murphy – My Last Two Weeks o/`

Hmm, about the depressing medical stuff I’ve been writing lately. I am honestly not too terribly concerned, it just helps to get my thoughts and speculations written down somewhere *shrugs*

I drank last night. But it wasn’t because I was depressed, I actually had a decent day yesterday. I’ve been reading Children Of Dune, but for some reason I am having trouble getting into it… maybe it’s because I read 5 books in the course of 2 weeks and I am just tired of reading? Maybe it’s the book itself? I’m not sure, I really enjoyed and flew through Dune and Dune Messiah. Anyway, I got sorta bored and saw that Myk was going through some boxes of stuff he had. He used to be really into music, so car stereos, normal stereos, all sorts of things like that were really important to him, and so he has *boxes* of stuff. He was trying to go through it and organize everything into all the proper boxes. So I decided to help. It cured my problem of being bored and make things more organized, yay! Myk showed me all sorts of things I never even knew existed, it was fun %) I even got a couple of my boxes down and put my computer stuff with his, I had all sorts of cables, even an old hub, floating around in my boxes, hehe. This entire project took a couple hours, afterwards we had dinner. Decided to have a couple beers with dinner… After dinner we went to play on our computers, Myk has been working with Sound Forge a bit, and I chatted some (what else can you do on the computer when intoxicated? Hehe *hides the root passwords*). Then we decided to go watch some TV… had a snack of cheese and crackers, mmm cheese. I guess I ended up going to sleep around 12.

But I did discover last night that I should get a hobby that I can do while drinking, hehe. Cant read when I drink, cant use the computer all the time while I am drinking, I’d like to relax by the fireplace and do *something* so I don’t fall asleep… instead of watching tv.

Ummm, today I will probably just read a bunch. We need to head out to the store to pick up some milk, bread, mayo, and chocolate *giggles* the important stuff! I should go make some.. *looks at the time* “breakfast” *wanders off*

o/` Peter Murphy – Seven Veils o/`

Polycystic Ovary Syndrome runs in my mother’s side of the family, it’s genetic. What is it? Apparently it’s male sex hormone overproduction in the body that causes problems (as you probably know, both men and women contain male and female sex hormones…). This possibly leads to less production of the female hormones, and those that make the ovaries function properly (as well as other symptoms like more body hair and greater sex drive). The end result of this? Infertility and if pregnancy is achieved, increased chance of miscarriage. My Aunt Mary Ellen was told she couldnt have children, but she had my cousin steve… the doctors told her not to try again however, as it might endanger her life. My Aunt Pam had a series of miscarriages, but managed to have two healthy daughters, unfortunately she was forced to have a hysterectomy about 2 years ago (at the age of 45). My Aunt Elaine has had this, never taken medication, and was able to have a healthy son, my cousin Chet, and has never had a miscarriage, currently she is not concerned about having more children so she honestly doesn’t know if she can or not, but she makes sure to get in to see her gynocologist every year to make sure things are ok. My mother is the only one of the sisters who has never had any problems, she had me and my two sisters, never miscarried.

What does this mean for me? This problem is found through irregular pap results. There i a very high chance that this could be my problem. Well at least it’s not life-threatening! And although there are reproduction problems, there are also medications, treatments to make it so women with this problem can have children. Of course this could also mean nothing, irregular paps are quite common, and not all women with PCOS have reproductive problems. I guess knowing that there is a problem that runs in the family makes me a bit more comfortable, I know there are problems, I know they are treatable. It makes me a bit less depressed than I was %) I am not as worried.

Enough of that health junk! I didn’t end up drinking at all last night. I realized as the afternoon progressed yesterday, that I really would be drinking because I was depressed, and I want to avoid getting into that sort of cycle, it’s not healthy. We had a decent night tho, Myk spent lots of time cheering me up, he’s so good at getting me into a better mood! We watched some tv, even tho it was sorta boring, ended up watching part of Volcano, and I brought a couple stuffed animals onto the bed to play our “Crow and Servo” (mst3k) so we could riff on the movie. That didn’t last long tho, the movie was just too bad, and there were too many commericials. I ended up reading for a bit.. went to bed around 11ish. I don’t think I slept well, I had a headache most of the night %\

So this weekend… um, I dont think we are doing anything (big surprise). I am kinda starting to feel bored staying home all the time… I dunno, I need more hobbies, spending all my time on the computer isnt good, and I can’t read for hours and hours without starting to get restless. I’ll figure something out…

Anyway, I am going to go see if there is anything to do, I should to find some breakfast too… *wanders off*

o/` Nirvana – Plateau o/`

Woo, I’m on the N’s. Speaking of which, Naru_Chan commented recently about changing my mp3 collection over to ogg. Well, ogg an mp3 strip different things from a cd song when they are compressed to the file format, although I might not notice it in most songs, the quailty would not be as good as it was. *Shrugs* I am not really concerned about saving space anyway, the few mb here and there that converting from mp3 to ogg doesnt matter to me (the reason for this mp3 culling was only to get rid of the corrupted ones, the ones that made funny skips or crashed my mp3 player). Not to mention I have almost 2000 mp3s, and converting them from mp3 to ogg on the 300 mhz server box where they reside would take WAAAY too long for me to be comfortable with ;) Don’t fear tho, as of about 6 months ago, all the music i rip from CDs has been in ogg format *points to her growing ogg folder*

Be careful what you wish for. Last night I was thinking back to when I was in high school, I have some *severe* depression, I’m surprised my parents didn’t take more invasive action to help me… but I suppose they had better things to worry about. I was never brave enough to kill myself, I think they knew that, and even the one day that I got very close to it (a story unto itself), I was never able to carry it out. Good thing too. But in my cowardly depression I did sometimes hope I’d die in other ways. I never saw much of a future for myself… I thought I was supposed to die beause everyone else seemed so well put together (I know better now, they were just as lost as me, but better at hiding it). So I’d be riding in the car with my mother, and hope for an accident where I’d die. All sorts of morbid thoughts, sometimes I’d put myself in a dangerous situation so that the chance of death was higher, so it could be called an accident. I then played with all sorts of thoughts of whether I’d go to hell or not, I did want to die, but it wasnt actually suicide, how would God view such a thing? I was only vaguely religious at the time, but it was enough to make me wonder if there was a place for people like me in christian dogma.

Eventually it seemed to me that it wasn’t people like me, people with no plans, who often died… but those people who showed “so much promise” those people who had “great plans” those people who actually seemed happy, that died in most tragic accidents. So I was just doomed to wander in a depressed state, my life was just going to suck. I watched my neighbor Nancy, a wonderful person who was like a second mother to me and countless others, a woman who gave and gave her entire life, die from cancer. I wished I could take her place, why let someone so great die when a little depressed nothing like me was allowed to continue my miserable life? At least then I could die in peace, people would remember me as a young, smart, pretty girl and they wouldnt have to see all that I was destined to fail at.

I wasn’t goth. I wasn’t anything. I was fairly morbid, and I used Disney movies and toys to escape into a place where I could survive. It made me a little wierd, but at least I am here today to talk about it, I’m not completely crazy ;) Now why do I dig up all this stuff now? The entire issue with these irregular test results is scaring the hell out of me. I am not dwelling on worry, I would make myself sick doing that, but at 11 pm when I try to go to sleep, or while we are watching commercials, sometimes the thoughts creep up on me. What if it is cancer? What if this has the possibility to kill me? What if it’s removable but takes away my ability to have children? What if I have to spend the next few years on therapy and medication? Where will this leave me with Myk? In any of these cases I’d definately have to give him the option to opt out of our relationship, I doubt he would… but it would hurt me terribly to burden him with this. And I can’t help but wonder if those “wishes” I had at a teenager are finally catching up with me
, now that I am finally in a happy point in my life.

Now I realize the chances that this is cancer are small, but cancer is a very scary word, and I am a very good worrier ;) I am scared because it’s been a year since the first irregular result, has waiting possibly damaged me some? *sigh* It’s all just very scary… Even if it’s not cancer it is quite possibly a problem that will need to be carefully watched, possibly something that needs to be surgically removed. Why can’t I just be healthy for once in my life?

I am not looking for pity, I’m way beyond that… this is just my weblog dammit, and currently this is a great worry of mine, hehe. I’ll move on now.

Last night Myk and I were both pretty down, luckily when we are both depressed we both spend all our time trying to cheer each other up.. so eventually a decent mood usually prevails. Unfortunately I find myself very happy that it’s friday, because on friday I can drink and not have to worry about sleeping well or getting up in the morning! Why is this unfortunate? Because I hate to drink because I’m depressed, when I drink when I am depressed I either melt further into a puddle of depression and feel absolutely terrible, or I get into this fake happiness that has absolutely no content to it what so ever, I have a terrible tendancy to talk a lot, and I find myself walking the fine line between happy drunkenness and being completely miserable.

Ok, I am really going to change the mood of this entry. I must think of happy things! So I went to a new irc server yesteray. It’s called nitrousnet.net. Seems to be like 16 servers, with a population of about 300. It lags, it splits, and I can’t see half the people join the channel, but it’s the new home of #brit-cit, a room that I was a member of for a bit. And hey, at least the services seem more stable than our crappy (windows!) ones on psiblade. So #brit-cit is pretty much the same, pretty slow actually… so I was wandering around other channels, found one called #linux … which seems to be dead despite the one person there, then there is #linux-help which is almost equally is dead, i had one person ask where I was from, then wandered back into oblivion. I don’t think I’ll stay on this server long, it’s pretty flakey.

That wasnt particularly happy. Ummm… Ah, I think I am going to expand on this php admin page for my site. Instead of having the php and mysql controlling just the updates section, I am considering writing more modules so it can control each of the menus too. I might never see the html of my index page again! Hehe. I helped my buddy from #goddess install the basic admin page last night… actually I didn’t exactly help, I sent him the package and he read the readme, apparently all he needed help with was making sure all the right libs were installed so php and mysql could talk to each other (sent me a screenshot of the php not recongnising the mysql commands), seems like he has everything working now tho… it feels so good to have someone using something I made! *grins*

So I don’t know if I have mentioned this (I just scanned through previous entries, doesnt look like I have), but this friend of Myk’s and mine, Ed (N-Tropy on IRC, we know him through real life tho) has been talking to me a lot lately. Apparently he has been working on a php admin backend for his site too, completely coincidentally I guess, but it’s been cool bouncing ideas for our admin pages off each other. He has more experience with PHP than I do and can sometimes help me out when I am stumped with a silly “i’ve been looking at code for too many hours” problems, hehe. Anyway, Myk seems to think that Ed is offering me help because he harbors some sort of attraction to me. Gah! He even asked me if I was “being nice to Ed” … well of course I am! I am treating him like I always have. Bleh.. even if he did have some sort of attraction to me (which I doubt), why should Myk be concerned? Does he feel a threat? Come on, Ed is almost 30, ca
n’t find a stable job (he’s into computers too, obviously), and he’s a bit weird. I mean he’s a cool friend, but DEFINATELY not my type, and definately doesn’t hold a candle to Myk %) Besides, I love Myk! Bah, he shouldnt worry so much. At least he’s not paranoid like my ex was “if a guy talks to you he likes you, so dont talk to him anymore” bleh, that sucked %)

Right, so that took me forever to write, hehehe, *looks at the time* Hrm, almost 2 and I havent done much today. *wanders off to begin working on her menu admin module*

o/` Massive Attack – Dissolved Girl o/`

So I was thinking last night while reading through the chatroom names on psiblade (irc.psiblade.net), and I came across #Vampires. This is a chat room that *tried* to move from irc.scifi.com (failed I guess, there is still one on scifi), and from what I understand, these people play a morphed-for-the-web version of Vampire: The Masquerade. So THAT got me remembering the fun I had playing Vampire, and since I didn’t have much web access, let alone a web log back when I played, this part of my entry will be a bit of “remembering” %)

I had played a little Dungeons and Dragons, but I guess I wasn’t interested enough to get into learning all the information needed to play a successful campaign. But Vampire was different. Vampires are cool! And White Wolf‘s Vampire “Mythology” is quite interesting… I found a copy of Revelations of the Dark Mother in a pile on our dining room table (at the time I was living with a bunch of roommates, stuff just got piled on the table when we’d clean. Anyway, the book is basically about Lilith, and although the book was fictional, it had some interesting truths to it that I was dying to weed out, it turned into a bit of a project, and while doing this I discovered the game that this book was a prop for. So the next time I went up to Syracuse, we bought a few books… a couple of our friends got REALLY into it.. our buddy Pat ended up selling something like $200 worth of Magic: The Gathering cards to finance his buying of tons of Vampire books so we could put together a campaign. My boyfriend at the time (the evil ex!) got into it too, and bought some source books, and stuff about one of the clans. I was content to just focus on Clan Ravnos. Ravnos is a clan that co-existed with Gypsies (in retrospect this choice on my part played a huge part in my real life too, I still can’t seem to settle down ;)), but were mostly wiped out during the Nazi Holocaust. Anyway, it was cool %) and fun! We were allowed to clean out the back room of the card shop we played Magic at so we could play vampire back there, we weren’t allowed to play in the main area of the shop because of the “violent and sometimes “adult” nature of vampire games” heh. Ah those were the days. Sometimes when the card shop was closed, or we couldnt get together for the scheduled time we’d have all-night sessions, where our friends would come over and we’d eat, play vampire, listen to music, fun stuff %) At one time we ended up playing two separate campaigns, one with people who could show up at the card shop, one with people who could come to our nighttime sessions. My ex headed the one at our apartment, and Pat was the GM (game master) for the one at the card shop… Once my ex killed Pat’s character for hitting on my character in his campaign… so the next day in Pat’s campaign he put my character into a situation where I’d die if I didnt drink the blood of my ex’s cousin (a kid about 3 years younger than me that had a very public crush on me)… My ex was furious, but it’s just a game, and humorous parts like that make it all the more memorable and fun %) YAY for geeky role-playing game! *PrincessLeia2 rolls the dice

Ugh, I hate it when I get all snuggley warm, with big comfy socks on and then I go into the bathroom and step in water, UGH!

Ah so last night was pretty boring, ate dinner, watched some tv, read for a little bit. But as always, boring is OK! We are supposed to get a snowstorm tonight! Well, it’s not exactly the normal definition of snow storm that I’m used to, not quite a north-easter (or anything like the last storm, that was *historical*), but they are expecting a good 4-8 inches, woo! I love snow!

So I discovered Celestia today. It’s a program that lets you “travel” around the solar system, and g
alaxy, it’s really great looking. Of course you need a decent graphics card to handle it %)

Ah! So I got my PHP page all done for my site! I installed it last night! My site doesnt really look any different, I changed the layout of the updates so they dont look like crap in netscape anymore. But you cant tell from the page that there is any php in use, it is much love! Hehe. PrincessLeia.com has gotten over 9000 hits now %) YAY! And Wallaceandgromit.net just broke the 700 mark, the number of visits there has been increasing steadily %) Makes me very happy! I love my websites…

I guess I am going to go try to get something done today, I’ve wasted most of the day already chatting and playing with Celestia, doh! *wanders off*