Cake – Open Book

What the hell am I going to do with my life?

It’s so easy to tell relatives that I am currently studying stuff on my own so SOMEDAY I will be able to get a job doing what I want to do based on my abilities. But what do I WANT to do? Sure I love making web-pages, but I get distracted easily, and like I said earlier, I am not genius with design… I am sure there are thousands of people better suited for it. Do I want to become a Perl Programmer? Gah, I can’t even imagine that… I am such a beginner with Perl, anything moderately complicated loses me. I know almost nothing about networking (though I AM learning) and I wouldnt even know where to begin being a systems administrator, I still need Myk’s help every time I turn around with Debian. I can’t go a day without looking a bunch of things up on google that are probably obvious to most Linux users.. and… ugh *sigh* I just feel so stupid sometimes, I don’t have any idea where I am going.

I am not sure if anyone realizes what it’s like to be unemployed and not in school, but you know how while you are in school/work you wish you had more free time? And you think of all the hundreds of things you’d do with that spare time if you didnt have a job… Well in reality, when you are unemployed and not in school you (as in me, and countless examples of friends I have) lose all drive to do anything after a few months and just get into a slump of sleeping late, chatting and wasting a lot of time doing pointless things, while important or difficult things get shelved for “later” … I hate this %(

I’m not looking for a job. I wouldn’t even know where to begin! My resume as it is is pure crap, and if I went out today to get a job I probably couldnt get much better than a silly job at a temp service like I had up in in New York… it’s really quite depressing. I guess part of it is my terrible tendency to take jobs that are far below my abilities, so while I might be able to get a challenging job, I dont strive for it. And at the moment I really don’t need a job, and getting one would be very difficult since I don’t have a car…

I just feel so lost, I have no idea what I want to do. Sometimes I just feel like I want to become a stereotypical “housewife” … but is that because I want to or because that is the easy way out? Would I really be happy working on projects on the computer at home while raising a family and baking cookies? Or am I just dragging my feet? Is it even socially acceptable for a woman to be a housewife these days? Is there something wrong if an intelligent woman like myself chooses to forgo a career for such a lifestyle? I do terrible under stress, and at the end of the day I really am a pretty girly girl, maybe I’m not cut out for the dog eat dog world of carving a place for myself in the world with a traditional career. I just don’t know.

So when the question of going to college arises I really don’t know what I want to do. I know I will have to pay quite a bit to go, and I don’t know how much I’d get out of it, but maybe that is what I need to motivate me… But then when I get out, what if I really didnt learn as much as I wanted an I am stuck in a crappy job, wasting time paying off a huge debt? Ugh %( It’s not really depressing me, it’s just all frustrating. I need to find some project or something to motivate me, I need to do SOMETHING to do more than pass the weeks and months, I’m truly ashamed of myself sometimes.

Bleh, things suck, do things get easier when you get older? %D Probably not, I’m sure the problems just change. Yay for pessimism!

Wallflowers – One Headlight

It’s cold in here! We were so lazy yesterday, I never even bothered getting dressed, hehe…. usually I at least take a shower and sometimes get back into pajamas, but I didn’t even get that far. It’s going to be such a pain getting back into a normal sleep schedule, I really didn’t want to get up this morning, and now I keep rationalizing why I should go back to bed.. blankets so warm… out here so cold… need sleep because I have a cold…

I am actually making progress on that Wheel of Time site… I keep realizing that I really suck at design, or maybe it’s just that I look at the page so much when I’m making it that it looks bad just to me? I dunno, I get so frustrated! If I was just more of an artist I could create some really cool stuff with the html I know, bleh, I hate being so artistically challenged. And I really do feel the need to finish this page since a fellow Wheel of Time fan is counting on me to finish it. Me and my big mouth for telling him I was working on it, hehe.

My Aunt Elaine called me yesterday afternoon, that was nice %) I love talking to her. She’s really excited about us going up to stay with her for Thanksgiving, I guess my Uncle Dan is happy too… I haven’t seen him in a couple years and he was afraid I hated him like most of the family does. See I lived with my Uncle Dan a few years ago when I first moved out of my parents house, I didn’t stay long ’cause I was stupid and decided to move out and move in with my jerk boyfriend at the time. Anyway, my uncle and I were pretty close until then… luckily he finally forgave me for my stupidity and we were on good terms again. Then last year he left his wife and 2 kids, and moved to Las Vegas to meet and later marry a woman he met online. Of course I loved his former wife, my “aunt” Gail, and my cousins Kelly and Scott… and I didn’t think they deserved this desertion, so I was upset with my uncle, like most of the family was… but then I thought about it, about how much my uncle was there for me, and how much my family has done for me to help me out of bad situations in the past and I realized that I really do love my uncle, despite what he has done, and I couldn’t do anything but forgive him.

Anyway, the phone call with my aunt. It was nice talking to her, sometimes I feel so stranded out here in Philadelphia… I always love it when my family calls. Reminds me that the world outside my daily life still exists and I have lots to be happy about, or something. I guess my ‘Uncle’ Sean is going to be at thanksgiving dinner too (a crazy story there too, my ma’s family is all *divorce and remarry* every few years, I dont even know if my Uncle Sean is still my uncle!)… it should be a nice little vacation %) My aunt is planning all this stuff she wants to do while we are up there, hehe, and since we will only be there 3 days or so we won’t get to do half of it of course…

*Yawn* I am rambling …

So I just tried to log into barnes and noble’s affiliate site, so I could get started on working on my little “Store” of books that’ll reside with my book review section of my site… and apparently this Affiliate site is powered by “Be Free, Inc” (befree.com) … but they make you use mozilla, netscape or IE. How free is that? Hee… I should be used to this crap by now, but it’s just frustrating because I have a seriously bare bones system at the moment because I am expecting my new hardware anytime soon, so I only have Opera (I wouldnt want to compile mozilla on my current system anyway, it’d take days, and netscape sucks). So I guess I’ll have to wait to work on that until I get my new computer parts, bleh.

I started chatting in another room on OPN (err freenode now, hehe)… turns out a friend of mine from #13thHour (on clockbot.net) chats on freenode too, and we didn’t realize each other were there until Myk said something about chatting there, so now I’m in this big room of debian users, they all seem pretty nice (I got warnings from my friend about some of the more “sarcastic” chatters). I dunno, I really said I would limit my chatting so I could focus on more work, but I just cant help it %( This past week I couldnt focus much on work since Myk was home, so I did lots of chatting, and when I got bored I ended up going to ANOTHER server to chat with a friend of mine who owns it, and I just stayed there… luckily his server is not too populated, so I wont get distracted *much* And he did give me IRCops, and offered a place on his development team for his IRCD … how could I be so ungreatful and leave now? Yay rationalization!

/join #IRCAddicts

Yeah, so I’m gonna go work on some stuff noew AND NOT CHAT, hee *wanders off*

Stabbing Westward – Waking Up Beside You

It’s been a slow weekend, sleeping a lot and reading, doing a bit of chatting. We rented a couple movies on friday night, Insomnia and Monsters Inc., I had never seen Insomnia, and Myk hadnt seen Monsters Inc (and I liked it and wanted to see it again). It was a really nice evening, sat around and drank beer and ate smartfood popcorn while watching the movies. Insomnia was good, I’m sure the only reason it didn’t stay in theaters longer was because it came out with a bunch of popular movies and sorta got lost in it all. Nice cast too (Myk is a big Al Pacino fan).

I started work on the wheel of time section of my website, just another thing not to finish yay… hehe, and I have been getting at least 2 hits a day on wallaceandgromit.net … so that’s cool since I am doing very little to promote it besides a link on princessleia.com… This afternoon I’ll probably finish putting together my lists of mp3s that i’m gonna burn to cd in the near future for when I go out for walks.. fun stuff! Hehe…

*wanders off*

Filter – Hey Man, Nice Shot

We had ONE trick or treater last night. He was 13 years old and wasnt even dressed up, it was very disappointing. After the one trick or treater we watched Halloween on tv, and drank beer and absent-mindedly ate the whole bowl of twix we had, gah! I am not so much as looking at another twix any time soon, lol. It was fun tho… a nice night.

So newegg screwed up my order. It’s very disappointing because I had heard so much good about them, heh.. turns out they thought I wanted to return the board and processor and just replace the ram, UGH! So they shipped just the ram back to
me… I really did tell them I wanted it all replaced, in fact when I called to
get the RMA number the woman was surprised about it, so it wasn’t my fault! SO I called today and hopefully they will straighten things out… it still sucks tho ’cause I wanted to have it all this week, while Myk is on vacation, instead it will come when he’s back to work, all busy n stuff. Bleh.

We finally turned on the heat.. i was sneezing and coughing all morning and Myk
decided it was time, lol… anyway *wanders off*

Our pumpkins out on the deck, with colored lights and even a neat strobe light, yay!

System Of A Down – Spiders

Wow, that long entry I wrote yesterday was all over the place and not making sense, hehee. We never ended up going out for pizza last night, we ended up getting up too late and so by then it was already 5 … tons of traffic and it was raining. Instead we ordered some Indian food and I went to go pick it up, yummie! Then we started a fire in the fireplace and carved pumpkins. I hadn’t carved pumpkins in years! It was fun we have pictures %)

This is me starting to carve my pumpkin, and Myk carving his.


This is a picture of when the pumpkins are all finished.

For more piccys go here:Pumpkin Carving Pics

Yep, so…

Happy Halloween!

and it’s also a friend of mine’s birthday today, not that he reads this…

Happy Birthday Brak!

Anyway… Halloween. I’ve had some interesting Halloween’s in the past few years. No pumpkin carving during any of those! 3 years ago I was still living at home, I ended up dressing up as a witch and handing out halloween candy, I also spent quite a lot of time on the phone with my boyfriend at the time, so it turned out to be a decent night.


Me and my little sis dressed up for halloween ’99

2 years ago we were getting kicked out of our apartment.. I was living in Seneca Falls and one of my 4 roommates had a dog. The jackass of a land lord (he was SERIOUSLY the land lord from hell) told my roommate to get rid of the dog or we had to leave… needless to say my friend wouldnt get rid of the dog, since he argued that it was a “small animal” and thus allowed by the lease, it was a medium sized dog. Anyway we had by October 31st to move out, so all our halloween plans were pretty much ruined, luckily I made it quite clear that I had no intention of working that night… gas station overnight on halloween, not me thanks! Last year my ex and had had *planned* a few months in advance to have a huge party at our apartment… but alas I dumped him and moved out so those plans were changed.. and since he didnt have money to throw a party himself he ended up hanging out with friends… I was invited to this as well (living at my aunt’s at the time) and I considered going, but realized I really didn’t want to see my ex, later I found out that their party had turned into and acid fest and I dont think I would have liked to participate in that.. So I had my black cat, and I was dressed as a witch and I handed out candy with my Aunt Elaine and my cousin Chet. Then we went over to my Aunt Mary Ellen’s house for a little happy birthday celebration for my Uncle Sean (another halloween birthday), it was fun, we ate cake. Then after I went into chat for a few hours, played my halloween themed mp3s, chatted with friends, and had a fun time. This year we’re just going to stay home and hand out candy, like old people, LOL. There is a club near here called Shampoo, that has a pretty famous “Dracula’s Ball” every year we considered going, but it’ll be really busy, and I guess I really dont have anything to wear to a vampire club halloween celebration, hehe.
I guess that’s it for now… *wanders off*

Hehe this is especially funny since i dont have a job, i like my life and the whole past year has been a break… of course the quiz assumed I had a job so I answered like I did… and I did hate it, hehehehee


What Office Space character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Tool – Parabola

I love sleep. Unfortunately I now have trouble sleeping in an irregular schedule, maybe it’s part of getting old? Hehe. I went to bed around 3 last night, woke up again today around 9:30 and couldnt go back to sleep, I could take a nap later, bleh.

We’re gonna go out for pizza later, Joseph’s Pizza in Philadelphia %d we havent gone in a couple months (since we got crappy service) and I really miss that three cheese spinach pizza! We’ll probably have a fire in the fireplace tonight and use up the last of the wood… and we’ll carve our pumpkins tonight.

We just got the tracking number on just the RAM coming from newegg… I don’t know why they won’t ship it all together, but it’s pretty obvious that it’s not going to come this week %( I told Myk when it does come *hopefully* next week that we should just wait til the weekend to put everything together, so I’m not helplessly without a computer at any time during the week, and Myk will be stressed out ’cause the week back to work will be insanely busy, I dont want him to have to be stressed out about putting together a crankie computer. Anyway it is disappointing that we won’t be getting it this week.

So last night I sat down to start reading The Outline of History, Volume II and I open it up and it starts telling me history of around 800 AD. The Volume I copy I have ends around 200 BC, I am missing a millennium!!! The birth of Christ, the rise and fall of the Roman Empire, and countless other very important events. This is most of the very important stuff I wanted to read about! ARG! I assumed, despite the difference in publishing dates, they would remain mostly consistent with the volume numbers. Bleh, it sucks. So I put that book down and picked up Book 7 of Robert Jordan’s Wheel of Time series and started reading it.

So I was reading Leslie2003‘s weblog, and she ranted about something I fully agree with, I left a comment but decided to continue my rant here instead of there, hehe. Some person in a class of hers is doing an article on the “Spongbob Squarepants Craze”. This opened up an interesting rant about teenagers currently having obsessions with cartoons, and how Hot Topic (supposedly a ‘goth’ store) is carrying all sorts of cartoon related merchandise. I remember the first time I saw huge posters and displays in Hot Topic about spongbob squarepants, I was quite upset ’cause I was going in there to check out some of their uber goth black dresses for Halloween. A month before Halloween and the ‘goth’ store is advertising some bad Nickelodeon cartoon?! I’d think they’d be having a 3 month Halloween celebration! But no, they have bright white and yellow cardboard cutouts filling up their windows. It was too much.

So this leads me to the REAL rant I want to make. I hate posers. The renewed interest in old cartoons, and new bad cartoons (the new cartoons craze no doubt spurred on completely by Marketing, like Leslie said), is the perfect example of people taking something that at 11 they forsook as “childish” and “not cool” and embracing it because it’s cool again. Now of course they will say “oh, I liked it all along, I was just embarrassed by it, teehee” right, you have your private stock of Rainbow Brite movies in your closet? “of course not” WELL SOME OF US REALLY DO. When I was in high school (oh years and years ago, haha) it was cool to have Winnie the Pooh stuff, and a lot of the people I knew did, but I didn’t, Winnie the Pooh was alright but I could never have called myself a fan. I was insanely crazy about Disney. Disney clothes, Disney bed sheets, Disney binders and folders and pencils, my whole bedroom was a Disney black hole. And did I do this because I thought it was cool? Did I venture out to the theater to see EVERY full length animated feature that came out for Disney on opening day (or before that if i could get advanced tickets) purely for social gain? Absolutely not! I am sure people looked at me funny because of my strange obsession, and I really didn’t care. I wasn’t about to go hiding my interests because they weren’t cool anymore. I never hit that “teenager stage” where I got rid of all my old kid stuff and decided to grow up because it wasnt cool anymore. I played with My Little Ponies through the 8th grade! I had a whole ‘town’ of stuffed animals that played with all through high school, I STILL have a Lion King comforter on my bed. And that quite possibly makes me crazy, but at least I’m a very happy crazy person, the same of which cannot be said about a lot of people. The people who sadly chose to hide their true loves for the sake of “being cool”.

Now this brings me to saying how wonderful Myk is %) One of my mother’s bit of wisdom she ever gave me that was worth anything was telling me that when I find someone to spend the rest of my life with, they must allow me to keep my child’s heart, and accept all my eccentricities, or else I will never be happy. Now this may seem obvious, but I was very unpopular in high school, and didn’t start dating really until very late in my senior year, and even then it was online relationships. I had this great fear of rejection, so in one very long relationship (the really crappy one before Myk, where I lived in NY and worked at a gas station to support us) I was forced to keep my stuffed animals in a closet and my Disney movies shoved in the back of the video cabinet. Why after all this time spent in high school not caring did I finally push this all away? Because I finally had someone who “loved” me laughing in my face about it all and I thought for a moment that maybe he was right and I needed to push these things away to grow up. What a fool I was! I was miserable! When I started dating Myk I realized that I NEVER wanted to be in such a situation again, so right away I told him how I slept with stuffed animals, and yes there was a cow pillow on my bed and how much I loved the Disney posters around my room. He thought it was all fine. And when I moved here with him I had a garbage bag full of stuffed animals that I just put in the closet.. and then one day I came out of the computer room to see what Myk was doing in our bedroom and I found he was taking them all out of the bag and putting them around the room, I almost cried, I was so happy. So from a rant to how wonderful it is to be in a relationship where the person loves you so much that they let you get away with all your strangeness, yay tangents!

So before I get carried away (ahahhaa) I guess I’ll go.. it’s freaking cold in here, we havent turned the heat on this year yet, I can take it! Hehe… it’s only 40 degrees outside, and in here it still must be at least 60. Bed is so warm… going back now…

Bladerunner Soundtrack

I finished a couple books tonight:

The Outline of History, Volume I – Ancient History, By HG Wells, 412 pages

I started reading this book when I realized that my knowledge of the whole of world history was quite lacking. It was written around 1920, revised in 1930, revised again in 1940 (and after that, but not by Wells himself), the copy I have was published in 1940. It’s obviously a generally European-centric view of history, and since this records history from the “beginning of time” it does have a few facts out of place, but generally I learned to take that with a grain of salt. It did try to gather some Asian history, although at the time of writing a lot of that history was still closed off to the western world. Still it did give me quite a good outline for reference. And since it was written by Wells it was not as dry and boring as most historical accounts. I really did enjoy this, and read it slowly, over the course of several months along with other books, to get a firm grasp on the information, so I’d remembered more. I would recommend this book to anyone looking to further their basic knowledge of ancient history.

Treasure Box, By Orson Scott Card, 372 pages

If someone had told me what this book was about prior to my reading it I probably never would have. I’m glad they didn’t, I couldn’t put it down, keep this in mind. It tells the strange tale of a millionaire former computer programmer who in his mid 30s realizes he is alone and his life unfulfilled. He finds the perfect woman at a dinner party and before they know much about each other are happily married. Everything goes well for about a year, until he goes to meet her family, from there the book takes a turn for the extraordinary. The last half of the book deals with witches, a ‘beast’, the discovery of a powerful succubus, and of course the never-ending battle between good and evil. Sounds cheesy right? No, Card has an amazing talent for making the main character endearing to the reader, so when you read this book you ARE this character and you feel what he is feeling, you can understand the emotions of this character and how he is simply a pawn in his formally normal life that has been transformed into a nightmare. Even the ending, though moderately abrupt, ties off loose ends and leaves the reader feeling satisfied. I loved this book, I put off doing things so I could finish it in just under three days, I’ll definitely be reading it again sometime.

After reading about this quiz in sevenoverzero‘s weblog I just HAD to take it of course, hehe… even if it does encourage society’s labeling system, I do realize that I this is all quite silly.

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Low
Schizoid:	Low
Schizotypal:	Moderate
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Low
Histrionic:	Moderate
Narcissistic:	Low
Avoidant:	High
Dependent:	Low
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Low
— Click Here To Take The Test —